Thursday, August 11, 2005

Some Positive Rip Off stuff & interesting crap at the very end about Riot Grrrls


My Blank Gen column from December 2001. This is the one that got me a "gig" at Rip Off.

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"I'm really starting to hate these beginning of column quotes."
- Clint Parson, December 5th, 2001

Okay, biatches, new column time. Ya ready to party? And by the way, thanks to all who responded positively to my last column. Yeah, believe it or not, I actually have some female "fans" now. I never knew girls actually read this column, oh well, go figure, people'll always surprise you (no they won't). I suppose now though I'll have to cut out all those sexist under-currents. Damn, I always enjoyed those so much. Yeah, I think I'll just switch to homoPHOBIC undercurrents from now on. I doubt there are any fags out there that read my column(MODERN DAY, 2005 EDITOR'S NOTE:Was this really written in the days before everyone said "fag" all the time?) . Blank Gen doesn't exactly have a huge following amongst the "light in the loafer" crowd. Wait, I thought I said homophobic UNDERcurrents? That last comment was anything BUT "under". I have to go all subtle with homophobia, otherwise I won't be able to get away with it. Anyway, this first paragraph is getting real long, I need to throw in a "strap yourselves in, cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride", before too soon. Yup, every month that goes by, this damn column becomes more and more heavily gimmicked. Or is the proper term "gimmick laden". All I know is that I need to get to my topic for this column or otherwise....... Well, I could probably go on for a whole column with this type of crap, but god DAMN IT, I ain't some Johnny-Stream (of consciousness) Lately, Rev. Norb, Nate Disgusting(EDITOR AGAIN:these old columns spook me out sometimes) wannabe, I am a god damned WRITER. I write about things, topics and subjects, and theories. I tell ALL you fuckers how to live your lives and what to think and god DAMNIT, I'm right, and you're all fucking WRONG. I am your king, bow at my feet. You wallow in your own mediocrity and grow duller and slow-witted as each day goes by. While I, I grow stronger with each passing moment. My powers increase on a bi-weekly basis and will continue do so until I've reached a nigh-god like status (and I'm tailing nigh THE god, not just A go)(whoa, that typo's a remnant of the days when I had a keyboard with a "d" button that didn't work very well). Fear me, because I am all that you never will and never could be. I am the end. I am the now.... I am pain. I am it ALLLLLLLLLL. Yeah motherfuckers, strap yourselves in, 'cause this is gonna be one fucking bumpy ride (oh shit, I still haven't gotten to the topic of this column)......

God damn, not only haven't I gotten to the TOPIC of this column, but I haven't even included the second POINT I wanted to make in the first paragraph. Ya know, the first point was that; yeah, the people that dug my last column are cool. My SECOND point though was gonna be that; even though a lot of people DUG that last column, there were OTHER people, OLD "fans" of mine that DIDN'T like my last offering. A few of them even said my last column was fucking EMO. To these people I say: "Fuck you douche-tard, I'll no sooner go emo then YOU'll pull your thumb out of your dog's ass." FUCK-NUGGETS, I'm really on a role tonight. I COULD write this whole column without getting to the actual topic. Sorry, Joey boy, but I got the feeling this column is gonna be a long one.

Okay, but getting to the SUBJECT of this wild, off kilter, ego-maniacal rant (hey, I got a talent [a talent that few possess] for this kind of thing, what I can I say?) It, like many other in things in my life, all started with Rip Off Records. Here was a label putting out great band after GREAT band. Each more amazing then the last and yet, most people, most "punks" didn't have the slightest CLUE about Rip Off (and still don't). They would just listen to shit and praise it as uhhhh, I don know, chocolate ice cream.

Out of all of this, I slowly started to form an opinion, the opinion that I really knew way more about music then ANYbody else in this fucking town. The stuff they called "great" sounded horrible to me, the Rip Off bands were clearly superior, these people just didn't know what they were talking about. They have no taste. No ability to discern what was good from what wasn't. Myself though? I more then had this ability, I had it in spades. I had SOOO much of this ability that I actually EVENED THINGS OUT for the poor taste of everyone else around. Needless to say, I grew confident in my own personal tastes.........

This attitude, this confidence, then spread from area of life/entertainment to another. It went from music to TV to movies. I've watched thousands of hours of movies and TV in my life, in local video stores I've seen a good 90% of all the films they have there, the rest I don't CARE to see. I can more then easily tell the good from the bad. Been there, seen that, thought it sucked. All the experts in all the various fields always seemed to agree with my opinions, opinions I had way before I ever read THEIR views on such and such. When Mike Nelson (of Mystery Science Theater) came out with his "Movie Megacheese" book, he pretty much had exact same opinion of every movie that I did. And obviously, he knows his shit....(I mean, in all honesty, I've always been a very good critic. that's just my personality)

All this while, while my confidence in my own critical uhhh "perceptiveness" grew, there lurked a new BS social theory just behind it waiting to break free. Ya see, as I went throughout my day to day, I noticed that often times, there were things that I THOUGHT were SUPPOSED to be good, things that SEEMED OUTwardly to be interesting but I don know, I just couldn't get into some of it. I tried to read Chomsky, but I don know, something about it, it didn't quite seem to be the revolution it SHOULD be, something was off. The raw information was there MAYBE, and it SEEMED like it should be something that should get me fired up or whatever, but I don know, it just seemed to be LACKING in some kind of fundiMENTAL SOMEthing.

Eventually though, I figured it out, I realized what was missing. And THAT is what my column today is about (it's about fucking time I got to the point of this), it's about "THE GRAND THEORY OF EN-FUCKING-GAGE-MENT". And I ain't talking about getting married, fuck-twad. WHY didn't Chomsky appeal to me? Because it's fucking BORING. Old Noam is HORRIBLE writer who couldn't write his out of or INto a wet paper bag. He’s terrible.

Now some would say, "Dude, it's not him that's wrong, you're the one that's wrong, if you really cared about this type of crap you'd be interested." Bull fucking shit, that crap is just terrible and there's not a sane person in the world that'd pay attention to it. Why? Because it's BORING......

Now take dogs for example, they have a sense of hearing far more acute-er then human beings. They can hear shit happening way far away. HOW THEN do dogs ever focus on one thing? How can they pull the sound of YOUR voice telling them to lick the peanut butter off your balls OUT of the cacophony of sound that's bouncing around inside their head? Well, it's easy, because their brain autoMATICALLY filters out all the bullshit they don't NEED to hear. If it ain't important, then they ain't paying attention to it. This is what was happening with me and Noam. I was reading it and my brain was going, "Dude, this is horrible, it's like reading a science text book, this OBVIOUSLY has nothing to do with your life, this'll never EVER help you figure out how to be successful, this ain't ever gonna help you get laid." While I said, "But this is SUPPOSED to be something good, maybe I'm the one that's wrong." But no, my brain was right, that shit was boring and tedious and pointless, I SHOULDn't 've been trying to pay attention to it, I WAS just wasting my time.

So yeah, THAT is what "THE GRAND THEORY OF ENGAGEMENT" is, i.e. If you are like me, and have a finely honed critical uhhh pallet, and you find such and such shit BORING, then it doesn't DESERVE your attention. YOU aren't the one that's wrong; it's the boring thing that's wrong. If it's boring don't spend any time on it. Despite the hype, despite the rhetoric, despite the propaganda of a million people telling you OTHERWISE, old fucking Noam Chomsky ain't nothing but a bad sit-com, a made for TV movie that they shouldn' 'a made. It's a boring book and no matter what clothes they prop it up in, it still SUCKS and it’s still POINTLESS...

Things that are GOOD; things that can affect and CHANGE lives; things that are POSITIVE and MOVE THINGS FORWARD are ALWAYS by their very NATURE, FUCKING INTERESTING. THEY ARE ENGAGING. You can't ignore them, they draw you in and you can't escape from them, there's NO possible way you CAN'T pay attention to them. They hit you over the HEAD with how good they are. There's no slow conversion process; it's fucking INSTANT, INSTANT, motherfucker. GOOD, ENGAGING, POSITIVE things that move us all forward as people are like the fucking first Zodiac Killers record, five seconds in you already KNOW it's the greatest thing ever and you can't ever imagine how you lived and experienced and FELT your life before that. It changes IT ALL in AN INSTANT........ INTERESTING THINGS are the ONLY way to go, BORING crap, by it's very DEFINITION, no gives a fuck about it. You SHOULDN'T pay attention to it.......

Ya know, in school, ya study and try and learn all that crap from science books, from math books, you cram it all in there and turn it all over, MASTER it. But guess WHAT? Since it's BORING, since the books ARE POORLY WRITTEN, since they teach ALL OF IT to you IN THE WRONG WAY, you fucking forget ALL of in a few weeks time, or as soon as semester is over, or whenever. The point is that you don't remember ANY of it, and that's because your brain automatically KNOWS that all that shit is pointless and just dumps it out the back door. Ya ain't ever gonna need it, you ain't ever gonna use it. Your brain knows better then you do........

Of course though, like I was saying earlier, this theory really only applies to those with that "finely honed critical sense". People that can tell the good from the bad, the boring from the engaging… Ya know, for people like us, if it's boring, well, it doesn't deSERVE to be paid attention to. If it doesn't draw you in and MAKE you a part of it, if it doesn't INSTANTLY teach all you've never known but NEEDED to know, well then, DON'T PAY ATTENTION........

(I should point out somewhere here that I was fairly bored with politics at the time and my attitude in this column reflects that. I've gotten re-politisized again within the last two years or so, but who hasn't? These are politically charged times)

Not everyone though can tell what's truly boring and what isn't. Most people are just WRONG in the things they find boring. Most people, if they can't understand something, if it's over their head, they do all they can to discredit it, to devalue it. That's why person after person called Andy fucking Kaufman "crazy". They didn't/couldn't comprehend what he was doing. To them he was going from "A" to "C" and they just couldnae get a handle on it (here's a hint, he went through "B"). They felt threatened by him, challenged by him. So they did what they could to destroy him. They CALLED him crazy, I'm sure some even said he was boring, but that wasn't the TRUTH. The truth was that he was inCREDIBLY interesting, the one of the MOST interesting artists in the last thirty years. He truly opened the world (the comedy world, at least) to modes of expression that they didn't knew EXISTED before him. He was many things, but he certainly was not boring.......

Of course though, there are still indeed SEVERAL boring things that people devote their time and attention to, WHY do they do it? Well, most boring things, SINCE they're so boring, they have to GIVE PEOPLE MONEY to pay attention to them, they have to PAY them. That's why people spend time on boring stuff, MONEY. If you give people money, you can get them too do anything, no matter how boring or un-tasteful or EVIL or whatEVER. Hell, most people nowadays, a good 99% are involved with SOME kind of evil through their job. The kid working at McDonalds for 2.45 an hour is involved with the temperature of the earth going up. But I mean, that's life, the way things are set up nowadays, you can't escape that, you can't not be evil.....

But anyway, back more to the topic. Things like science and math, they ARE essential, and DO need to be paid attention to, but the way those topics are taught in school, it totally drains any fun and enjoyment out of things. In their true, natural essence, science and math are extremely engaging, but in this culture, the way it's presented to us, it's just WAY fucking boring. To the point where most of us can't even IMAGINE how these things could EVER be interesting. Still though, they should be, since they are essential to survival, we SHOULD find it interesting. Just like basic nature and survival dictates that if we NEED it to survive, we will find it REALLY interesting. We like to fuck so much because we NEED that to survive. If people didn't like to fuck so much, all animal life would die off pretty quickly. But no, ya know, it's deep, it's ingrained, it's there and it's not ever going away. We need food, we're interested in that, need air, warmth, we're extremely interested in all these things........

I don know, maybe part of the reason why there are SOOO many SEEMINGly important things out there that are SOOOO boring, is because things have become so compartmentalized, everything is so isolated. We know assloads about such and such topic, but we don't know how it relates to other topics. We can see one tiny little piece of the picture, we have a clear view of that, but we are completely unable to step back in order to view the whole picture. We KNOW that one fucking pixel on the TV scene is WAY purple, but until we actually STEP BACK, until we put ALL those fucking "pixels" together, we'll never know that we're actually looking at Barney the god damned dinosaur.

One little tiny, isolated bit of knowledge, no matter HOW familiar you are with it, no matter how well you've STUDIED it, it's USELESS unless you are able to fit it into the larger context, unless you are able to understand how it fits into that bigger picture, how it works, what role it plays.

THAT is what's wrong with the current way math and science and whatEVER are taught, it's too small, too compartmentalized, too isolated. You are given no context as to how it fits in with the rest of the world, it's just that one small fucking pixel and who in the FUCK knows what it has to do with ANYTHING? Education, as it is now, in the United States, it sucks, it gives you a bunch of fucking puzzle pieces, they pick out a couple pieces for you, and you have to memorize all you can about them, take a test about it a week later and then move on to some new pieces. Yer never supposed to put any of it together, it's just cold, no-context having data and there's no fucking WAY it registers emotionally with ANYone.........

In their proper context, there wouldn't BE things such as "science" or "math" or whatever; it all would just be the same thing. We would understand how things are SOOOO interconnected, how everything relates to EVERYthing else and how just plain WRONG it would be ever try and separate these things, how big of an error we'd be making by compartmentalizing this crap. The pixel on the TV sceen, in and of itself, it's meaningless, pointless, BORING. It only has significance when it's placed into the LARGER context, only THEN can we truly perceive it, only then can really understand what's going on. Only then can we see fucking Barney................

Stop isolating things, stop taking shit even further apart. Start working towards putting it all together..............

Aaaaaaaah, this is fun. Anyway, I think I had some other point there too, lemme think.....Oh yeah, some people, sooOOOMe people, they will dedicate time and energy to boring crap even if they AREN'T paid to do. Why do they do this? Well, because there are insane. Or not so much "insane" as they have deep-set emotional/mental problems that they are desperately trying to distract themselves from. SOOOO, some people, they'll latch onto a bore-monger like Chomsky and they'll actually READ a LOT of that crap. 'Cause it takes SOOOO much effort and SOOOO energy to get through one of his books, it's SUCH a HERCULAN effort that they just CAN'T think about anything else while reading him. It LITERALLY takes ALL their brainpower to just input that crap. There’s no left over processing power to uhhhhh "process" how they're all fucked up inside. All their effort, all their energy, all their BEING is focused into just getting THROUGH that fucking BORING book. THAT's why people spend so much time on boring crap, because it's SOOOOOO bad that it takes the whole of the entire BEING just to FORCE THEMSELVES to read each and every new sentence. Every few seconds their bullshit detector rings anew "BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, DON'T TAKE THIS CRAP SERIOUSLY, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, NO NEED TO PAY ATTENTION, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, YOU'RE HARMING YOUSELF BY READING THIS, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT......................."

Moral of the Story: Boring stuff sucks......

OFFICIAL MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Uhhhhh, have I seen anything good lately? Naw, I don think so. "Not Another Teen Movie" is coming out soon, that should good (I'm being sarcastic). Anybody seen the special sneak peek trailers for the new star wars? Anakin is wearing those jedi robes, but his robes are BLACK, thus foreshadowing his eventually darkside turn. I rented "The Big Chill" recently on DVD, mainly because it's one of those "classic" type movies I had never seen before. It was terrible. I'll take "Drinking Games" over it any day of the week. Also rented "American Grafeat-o-tag", it sucked to. Although, it served as the inspiration for "Happy Days" so, well, everyone involved with that movie deserves to burn in hell (George Lucas included [although not before he's done with the third Star Wars prequel]).

OFFICIAL COOL PERSON I'VE MET RECENTLY OF THE WEEK: xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx, she's cool..... (why was I always putting people's names in these things? P.S.She didn't turn out to be cool in the long run, but don't worry she wasn't a girl I was trying to fuck)

OFFICIAL PRONOUNCMENT THAT xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx x xxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx? xxxxxxxxx! xx(yeah, I'm not even gonna tell ya what that one was about)

OFFICIAL PLEA TO BANDS AND LABELS TO SEND US RECORDS HERE IN BLACKSBURG OF THE WEEK: I just got appointed as the new "guy who tries to solicit records from cool labels and bands" for the college radio station here (WUVT 90.7FM) So, if you are a cool label or band, send me crap at:

Clint Parson
524A XXXXXXXX XXXX
Blacksburg, VA 24060-5116

Anything you send WILL be played on the air, unless it sucks.......

OFFICIAL SHOW THAT BLEW MY SOCKS OFF OF THE WEEK: The fucking Lazy Cowgirls in Chapel Hill this last Friday. They've been around for twenty fucking years and they're STILL amazing. One of the BEST shows I've ever been to........

OFFICIAL PERSON THAT SUCKS THAT I SHALL MENTION BY NAME OF THE WEEK: Uhhhhh, I guess I still think XXXXX XXXXXXXX is a prick........(I don't think he's a prick any more. He's on my My Space!)

OFFICIAL TOPIC FOR MY NEXT COLUMN OF THE WEEK: My next column will probably be about "THE GRAND 'BEST FOOT FORWARD' THEORY".......and yes, ALL my theories are QUITE grand........

OFFICIAL PRONOUNCMENT THAT I THINK THE CHEESE ON THE CHEESEBURGER I JUST GOT FROM WENDY'S MIGHT'VE BEEN SPOILED OF THE WEEK: I think the cheese on the cheeseburger I just got from Wendy's might've been spoiled. I've been feeling kinda queasy since I ate it......

OFFICIAL OTHER ZINE I'M GONNA START WRITING FOR OF THE WEEK: I'm gonna write for my friend Chloe's zine that she's just starting up. She's from Ottawa and kinda knew Tom Green before he was famous. The first thing I'm gonna write about is how all zines suck. I'll give info on how obtain a copy in a later column. Also to, what the name of the zine'll be..............

OFFICIAL POINT AT WHICH I WONDER ALOUD "WHAT ABOUT THOSE HOMOPHOBIC UNDERCURRENTS I WAS GONNA WEAVE INTO THIS COLUMN?" OF THE WEEK: Remember, like the first paragraph up there, I said something about working in some homophobic undercurrents, cause I couldn't do the sexist ones anymore since I have a bunch of chick fans now? Ya know, so I said I was just gonna switch to homoPHOBIC ones in order to uhhh sublimate my uhhhh general hatred of all peoples who I don't understand. "Peoples" which include women and gays... Anyway so then, okay, homophobic undercurrents, lemme think, uhhh, uhhhhh. Okay, I got it: "I would like Tribe 8, but the only problem is their music sucks." No wait, that's just my actual opinion..... Uhhhhh, can someone please tell me why I like Queer-core more then Riot Grrrl? I don't even really get that one myself. Maybe it's 'cause queer-core's a positive PRO-gay thing and Riot Grrrl, well, it's anti-man, a NEGATIVE THING...... Wait, now I'm back on the SEXIST undercurrents. God damnit..... Although just because I have a negative view of Riot Grrrl doesn't automatically mean I'm sexist. Because obviously, Riot Grrrl was/is sexist, and most of it's figurehead/leader types seem to be victims of sexual abuse and therefore, by DEFINITION have serious unresolved issues with men that'll need years upon years of therapy in order to be worked out. Ya know, and until then, these people will never have a positive, even handed, rational, CLEAR view of men in general. Until those abuse and molestation issues are dealt with, these women will always essentially HATE men...... Oh fuck, I got serious again. Must be funny some more... But shit, that's the fact, for the most part, Riot Grrrl doesn't seem to really BE about emotionally healthy women working in accordance with men to make the world an equal place for both males and females. Riot Grrl instead seems to be about fucked up, victimized girls lashing out, INVENTING new problems for themselves, and just desperately trying to distract themselves from their problems......Oh fuck, when did I wonder back into my "Chicks and rock'n'roll" column? I need to move onto a new "OFFICIAL.....BLAH, BLAH...OF THE WEEK".......

OFFICIAL "I DON'T THINK I'M DONE WITH THIS TOPIC" OF THE WEEK: Yeah, what brought all of this back up is that I just bought that Re: Search book about zines the other day, and most of all it is like Riot Grrrl type stuff, and I don know, it just pisses off to read that stuff because it's SOOOO NOT about reality, it's so about NOT dealing with your problems. It's so about taking one problem, inflating it, and pretending that THAT's the source of all your problems. I mean, sure, the world's fucked up, but on AVERAGE, you yourself are far more fucked up in general then most of the world is. Ya know, the world may be 80% fucked up, but YOU, you're 90% fucked up and are actually partially responsible for making the world an even MORE unhealthy, unhappy place.

OFFICIAL THING THAT COULD BE A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER COLUMN BUT FUCK IT I'M JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT IT NOW OF THE WEEK: Okay, they say one person CAN make difference. YEAH, BUUUUUT that one person has to be a total fucking GENUIS, they have to be brilliant and charisMATIC, they have to be a fucking LEADER. They have to be SIGNIFICANTLY LESS fucked up then everyone else in the world. SO then, if YOU, if YOU wanna change the world, the BEST way you can WORK ON THAT is to WORK ON YOURSELF. Work on making you yourself LESS FUCKED UP. Because you CAN'T change the world being MORE fucked up then most people............... But well, fuck, that would've been much longer if it was a column, but oh well....

OFFICIAL ANYWAY, BACK TO THE HOMOPHOBIC UNDERTONES OF THE WEEK: I avoided saying "underTONES" this whole time, but there it is now, feel free to make all the "male model" jokes you want......... Wait a minute, I think that THERE was just a homophobic undercurrent (exclamation point), YAY. I've achieved my goal, now I can END this fucking column...............

OFFICIAL "OR NOT" OF THE WEEK: Or not...Glad to see Ric Flair's back in wrestling. Speaking of which, I've been talking to some people about maybe trying to set up a rock'n'wrestling show. Ya know, bands and wrestlers, TOGETHER on one bill..... It'll be cool if we can make it happen........

ANYway,

later.......................