Thursday, August 11, 2005

Slanging the Tude

Hmmmm, I forget if this was ever posted on here or not, but heres my THIRD Rip column. It's a pretty huge load of bullshit. But hey, that was the persona at the time. The Rip Off ones were supposed to be "evil" while the Blank Gen ones were more noble minded. The conflict between these two writing personas was solved when I just merged 'em both together into the "awesome but sucky" JoF dealie...

From March 2002:

Slangin' the 'Tude'

by Clint R. Parson(the "R" stands for "rock'n'roll")

Okay, so apparently you douche-tards weren't paying attention to my column two weeks ago when I told you to send me free records to review. Come on, people, send me crap. Big Neck, send me stuff, it'll probably get a good review, R'N'R Blitzkreig, you to, In the Red, Dirtnap, Repent, Goner, Alien Snatch, ALL you need to send in stuff, I'll probably say nice things. Other labels, such as yer Estrus's and Empty's and Sympathy's, I dunno, I ain't makin' any promises to you folk. If you send me the couple good records you put out, obviously THOSE'll get a good review, but if ya send me the fucking over long, over wanked PABLUM that is your bread and butter, then I ain't gonna be kind. As for individual bands, whoever you are, feel free to send stuff in. Be warned though that I'll take ya out at the knees if you send in some crappy CD demo that sounds exactly like every other poorly performed, poorly recorded demo that ALL of us have heard a million times before.

The address is still:
Clint Parson
Blacksburg, VA 24060-5116

Having said that, let's get into the meat of this fucker. Now, in that whole big, long, pointless "generation mindfuck" rant the other week, I did some basic outline-age of things that one needs to well, manipulate people. Ya know, how to present an image and blah, blah and all that crap. One thing that I didn't really talk about in depth though was that in order to sell anyone on ANYthing, you have to be able to talk the talk. If you cannae "walk the walk" so good, it doesn't matter, as long as you can TALK a good game, people will buy your bullshit. In order to be an effective manipulator/motivator/con man you HAVE TO be able to slang the tude. The attitude, you have to be knowledgable about it, you have to wield it like some kind of sword or something that you could potentially use to kill people and stuff.

As with everything, to become a 'tude slangin' expert, you have to PRACTICE. That's where the internet comes in. Ne'er before has there existed meduim better suited to 'tude slangin'. On the internet you can say whatever you want to whoever you want and the chances of ANY kind of real reprisal are exTREMELY low. I know I myself have said SEVERAL things over the internet that would've resulted in a fight or perhaps even a riot if I had said them in real life. It's a training ground, a practice space that is completely necessary and integral to one fully mastering 'tude slang-age.

How does one get started with the tude slang-age, you might ask? Whelp, find yourself a message board somewhere, preferrably for a band or some label or something. It's best if it's for a local band or some kind of scene message board. Next, target a local band, say they suck, whatever, it doesn't really matter WHAT you say, as long as you get a reaction from them. Most bands, especially small, local bands are VERY insecure about their own musical ability/merit and it's just so easy to get a good emotional reaction out of them by saying they suck. Fer instance, I just recently dissed a local band who seems to think it's okay to play sets of only six songs. My critisizm of them went as such; "Ya know, REAL bands have sets longer then six songs." When dissing a local band, one should ALways be sure to say that they aren't a "real" band. By far and large, most "local" bands AREN'T real bands and will probably only last nine months anyways and put out one crappy CD demo. By SAYING that a band isn't a "real" band, you are showing that you are aware of that general local band trend and that SAID band is a PART of that trend.

It's all about generalizations and stereotypes. You have to learn all of these and then just APPLY them to whoever you're insulting. People will REACT emotionally to these stereotypes because, OBVIOUSLY most people ARE just cliches and stereotypes. That why they're CALLED "general"-izations, because that's what people GENERALLY do, that's how they GENERALly react in situations. And in the case of local bands, most of them don't last long, most of them only record one crappy CD demo before passing quickly into the night and most of them will have stopped playing music and have turned into their parents within the next five to ten years. While you and I are busy rockin' out to whoEVER in 2011, they'll be busy trying to sell us insurance.

Most "punks" don't last very long. Generally, they're punk from about 15 to 18, then a lot of them turn emo and by the time they're 24 or so, they don't really listen to all that much music anymore. Hardcore kids, they REALLY don't last very long, they almost instantly go either emo or metal. In some towns, the pop punk kids go rock'n'roll instead of emo, but that's a rarity. Most of the time, it's pop punk to emo to indie rock to NOTHING by their mid-twenties. They'll generally stop coming to shows somewhere around 22 or 23 or so(sometimes even earlier) and the "punk-ness", the "fire" within them will slowly fade away.

Anyway, when insulting idiots, bring all of this up. Make comments about how you'll be buying insurance from them within a few years or how they'll all have given up on rock'n'roll and 'll be busy with their computer/marketing/accounting jobs. I've said all of this to countless people and it ALWAYS invokes a great reaction.

You need to make a point of identifying cliches and trends and stereotypes. At shows, watch people, observe them, generally, the show isn't all that good anyway, so you NEED some kind of entertainment for the night. See what they do, see how they interact with each other. Soak it all in, you need to know as much about people as possible if you want to really effectively insult them.
Also, as I said before, most people are insecure about their intellegence level, it's always a safe bet to insult them on that level. The more "idiots" and "morons" and "retardo-fucks" you use, the better. Despite the fact that it's so easy, so simple, people really DO still react to that type of crap. And I mean, by far and large, most people ARE fairly stupid/ignorant. If you take a little time, and put a little effort in reVEALING how stupid a person is, you can really get a react from them.

Example:recently, a local emo band(they sound like early Discount minus talent plus metal) said they were a power pop band. This statement was obviously ridiculus so I wrote out a short piece revealing their stupidity. I named thirty some power pop bands, from all time periods and sub-sub-genre's, all the way from the ultra obvious Kinks and Cheap Tricks down to the more obscure Manual Scans and Diplomats. I then asked the aforementioned emo band if they were fans of ANY of the bands listed there. From their responces it was more then clear that none of them had the slightest clue about any of those bands, and was really just using the term "power pop" because it isn't cool for emo bands to call themselves "emo". They did not know what power pop was and were using that label because they heard it once somewhere and thought it sounded good. Just to drive the nail in further, I also noted that none of them had EVER attended ANY of the area power pop shows. Their responce was "How can we go see bands that we've never heard of?" Exactly, they had never heard about those bands because they didn't know the SLIGHTEST thing about power pop and had no interest in finding OUT about it.

Next, no matter what situation you're in, or who you're talking to, you should always try and make things as personal as possible. Once, when I was applying to be a radio DJ, the stations manager would not return my emails, so I then insulted her at great length and critisized her abilities and said that it was no WONDER that college radio never got anywhere when the managerial staff was so incompetent. Or well, I wasn't that extreme, but still, that's more or less what I said. Anyway, I got a responce from her right away when I said all that crap. Of course she was pissed and of course I nearly got fired, but I was ready to quit anyways because she hadn't been reutrning my emails(and other reasons). Sure, I then apologized, and I'm certain I am now forever labeled as an "attitude problem" there, BUT I got what I wanted and really, there was no other way to do it.

Slangin' the 'tude is all about working the negative end, you can also work the positive end to, but it's not nearly as fun and you feel a whole lot more scummy that way. To work the positive end, you take that same knowledge of people and their cliched stupidity and you use to to them in a manor which they will NOT find threatening. When you're talking to an idiot and you know JUST how stupid he is, when you KNOW how his brain works, you can avoid scaring him off. Fer instance, I know a guy who is in a hardcore band and has a radio show, he likes Gorilla Biscuits, he ALSO likes Wu Tang Clan and Ludicris. Now, if I want to con him into doing my biding, how do I approach him, how do I talk to him? Well, by keeping things simple and stupid. I don't talk to him about how since ALL people have weaknesses, the only truly "strong" people are those who can adMIT to their weaknesses. No, that would confuse him, he'd be threatened by it. Instead, I just more talk to him about the weather or uhhhhh, NBC's "Friends" or something like that. Something nice and dumb, that's all he can really handle. Then, once I have that rapport built up, I can talk about "the scene" and "untiy" and crap like that and fool him into doing what I want him to do.

As I said though, working the positive end just isn't very fun. Slangin' the 'tude and pissing people off SERIOUSLY is always much more fun. Anyway, once you've been slangin' the 'tude for long enough, you'll start to really understand people, and once you've mastered that, the skies the limit. Recently, I conned my way into being a wrestling promotor even though I had absolutly no experience or CLUE even as to how to BE a wrestling promotor. How did I do it? By applying the skills I'd learned slangin' the 'tude.

Moral of the story:I promise my next column will be less evil and won't be SUCH total bullshit......