Thursday, August 11, 2005

Nerd Genocide


Another old Rip Off column, this one is from June of 2002. And hey, it has pictures... Yay


"Now is the Age of the Nerd"


-by Clint R. Parson(the "R" stands for "completely misundeRstood")

Wow, I actually have records to review this month. Sure, I only have six things to review and SURE, four of those are reissues, but whatever, it's better then nothing.. As for next month, I think I might just phase out the reviews altogether. Anyway, let's get into the criticing-ful-ness:

Heart Attack-"The Last War 1980-84"

Okay, now remember the linear notes of that one Killed By Death where the dude says that Heart Attack only ever had one good song? Well, yeah, he was right. Not that most of this disc is horrible or anything, but they definetly were not a "GREAT" band. For those of you unfamiliar, this is the band that D-Generation's Jesse Malin started up in the early eighties. Soundwise, it's early eighties, pre-hardcore punk rock, like a lesser Undead, that turns into early 80's hardcore, as the disc progresses. The first five tracks are from their first demo, which was recorded when Malin was a tender twelve years old. Definetly the best punk rock songs ever recorded by pre=teens. At the end of the day, the whole disc is a little better then mediocre, but not by much. There's a song or two about nazi's and Hilter, so that's always a plus. Get it if you really love "God is Dead".(Broken Rekids: POB 460402, San Francisco, CA 94145=0402, www.brokenrekids.com)

Speedealer-"Second Sight"

Remember when Speedealer was "REO Speedealer" and they sounded like Zeke? Remember when you still liked Zeke? Do you remember 1998? Boy, those were the days. Er well, no they weren't. But anyway, on Speedealer's lastest offering, their fourth full length, we find the lads drinking even more deeply from the metal fountain. Even worse, this record was produced by ex-Metallica bass player, Jason Newsted, and sounds, not unlike frickin' Metallica. Why did I even buy this? The perfect companion piece to the new Nashville Pussy record. Also, this was released by "Palm Pictures", which I suspect to be a front for some major label.(Palm:601 W. 26th Street,11th Floor, New York, NY 10001, www.palmpictures.com)

Rocket From the Tombs-"the Day the Earth Met..."

Aaaaaah, finally a record I can fully stand behind. Yes, boys and girls, this is the reason I hate Rocket From the CRYPT. I shouldn't even really need to write anything here about this record, just go fucking BUY it already. The Tombs were a proto-punk band from Cleveland in the mid-70's, and they contained members of both the Dead Boys and Pere Ubu. There's about five Dead Boys songs on here, three Ubu diddies, and TWO, count 'em, two Stooges' covers. Some people wonder how members of bands as different as Ubu and the Dead Boys could've co-existed in the same group. Buy this disc and you won't be wondering anymore. As denoted by their choice of cover material, there is a heavy, heavy Stooges influence throughout this whole disc. Just fucking BUT IT, douche-flower. I give this disc the highest possible recommendation I can(Smog Veil:774 Mays #10-454, Incline Village, NV 89451, www.smogveil.com )

Various Artists-"Cleveland Confidential"

Whelp, from one Cleveland record to another. This CD is a reissue of both the "Cleveland Confidential" LP from the early 80's and the EP of the same title from a year or two earlier. Stand out tracks include of COURSE, the Pagans, Keith Matic, John Lovesin, the Offbeats, The Clocks and many others. The Severe song on here "Her Name Was Jane", is killer and later was covered by the Pagans. The Menthol Wars, "Even Lower Manhattan" contribution is a totally rockin' new wave-y number sounding not unlike Devo or the Cars. There are a few real clunkers on this disc, but at least a good two thirds of the stuff is totally top notch stuff ranging from punk rock to power pop. There's also an "okay" Defnics' song on here, a band which I believe Smog Veil up there recently reissued. Linear notes are supplied by the legendary Mike Hudson of the aforementioned Pagans. (Overground Records: PO Box 1NW, Newcastle Upon Tyne, NE99 INW, www.voiceprint.co.uk/overground/

The Makers-"Strangest Parade"

Hmmmm, decent soulful mid-70's Bowie rip, coupled with some odd "musicial interludes" between songs. Decent for what it is and...... Wait.... the MAKERS?...... No....it couldn't.....COULD it?.....Is this the same(dot dot dot)is this the same band that were peers with Teengenerate? Is this the same band that put out that middle finger record? Fuck, is this the same band that had a god damn RIP OFF single? Holy fuck....I think it IS, this is the god damn MAKERS. How can this be? When did they turn into THIS? My god, last time I looked they were all mods, but now they look like, well, fucking BOWIE from the mid seventies. What in the fuck? Why trade obscure greatness for slightly less obscure medioctrity? I guess time really DOES make fools of us all. Compromise must be fun.(Sub Pop: PO Box 20645, Seattle, WA 96102, www.subpop.com )

Various Artists-"Guillotined at the Hanger:Shielded By Death Volume 2"

Okay, what we got here is a comp of eastern Connecticut and western Massachusetts punk bands from '79 to '83. A lot of good stuff on here, from the likes semi-60's styled M-80's, to the more hardcore Outpatients and Chronic Disorder. The October Days provide a competent Wipers rip off. The Not Quite give us the hilarious(albeit, muddy) "Satan's Elves". Other good tracks are provided by the Vandelz, The Sterics. Dennis Most of the Instigators and the October Days.(Dionysus: PO Box 1975, Burbank, CA 91507, www.dionysusrecords.com )

Okay, now having said THAT, let's get into the meat of this fucker.

As I'm sure everyone's noticed lately, people just can't seem to fucking shut up about the new god damned Star Wars movie. The second pre-quel to a trilogy of movie's that contained characters as complex as yer average animated Disney flick. People are quick to point out that both Episodes One and Two SUCK, but what they have a little more trouble admitting that even the originals were bullshit to begin with. Do you remember all those years there that the Star Wars movie's were UNCOOL, all those years where the only Star Wars fans were socially maladjusted, potential serial killer nerd types? Yeah, for a good long time there, Star Wars was seriously uncool, or even forgotten about. Just like Alf and Mr. T, up until recent like, people just didn't give a FUCK about the force.

Star Wars though isn't the only "nerd fodder" lately though that has received MAJOR attention from the mainstream. Need I even point out the 114 MILLION bucks "Spiderman" made in it's first weekend of release? "Spiderman" was a movie that just recycled 35 year old comic book storylines, and passed them off as something new. I laughed when people were surprised that Uncle Ben got shot by the robber. It was ridiculous. The "nu nerd" trend doesn't end there either. Even older then the Spiderman storylines is the hundred some year old "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, the all time nerd holy grail, which was also recently adapted into a film(like I need to tell you that).

All three movies, "Spiderman", Episode Two and "Lord of the Rings", made considerable amounts of cash. They were all MAINSTREAM hits, they were accepted by MAINSTREAM, "normal" audiences. These three separate francishes that used to be the EPITOMY of nerdhood are now "what's in", what's COOL. I remember a time when a person could get beaten UP for admitting they liked ANY of those three, especially so "Lord of the Rings". Yeah, I remember all of that, but times have changed.

Yes, we are now truly living in THE AGE OF THE NERD.

Cower in fear, mother fuckers, because the geek jihad has come to kill us all. We must do all we can to resist them, we can NOT give in to the evil dork militia. We must STOP reading books, we must turn OFF the History Channel, we HAVE TO stop paying attention to the things going on around us. Yeah, because now that nerds have gained mainstream acceptance, they are no longer cool. We have to do everything we can to distance ourselves from them. The only power that Poindexter's ever HAD came comPLETELY from mainstream society's rejection of them. Why did they get higher grades on the tests? Why did they do their homework? Was it because they were SMARTER then everyone else? Was it because they LIKED "knowledge", because they LIKED to learn? No, it was because they were social retards, and they had no friends. Plain and simple, they had no friends and they were bored, they had ample amounts of free time, and WITH all that time, well, they DID their homework, they STUDIED for the tests. They didn't study because they liked to, they just did it because they were so fucking BORED, they were so fucking LONELY and they wanted/NEEDED anything they could find to take their minds off their own loserhood. So yeah, of course they picked up books, of COURSE they answered the extra credit questions.

That's what they derived their self worth from, they weren't good people, they sucked at social interaction, so instead, they placed value on good grades and pleasing the teacher and stuff like that. Nerds resented the normal, well adjusted kids, they hated their ability to easily make friends, so, slowly, over the years, they built up a cruel system of lies and distortions that made THEM the superior ones. THEY were the ones better then the emotional healthy, sane people. And that arrogance, that very basic desire to be BETTER then everyone else, that drove them, that MADE think harder, work longer, do whatever was necessary to prove to EVERYone just how much better they were then everyone else.

As I said, all the power nerds ever had came from the fact that they were social REJECTS. Now though, that nerd-dom is popular, all true nerds are going to wither on the vine and DIE. Now that nerds are thrust into the mainstream, they can no longer stick to their old tricks, they can't talk about science and nature and that type of shit. Now that "cool" people are talking to them, they actually have to talk BACK them, they have to enguage in meaningful social discourse with people. THIS is what will prove to be the undoing of nerdkind. Remember, the main thing that made them nerds in the first place was their poor social skills. In the past, geeks were segregated, they only interacted with other nerds. Together with their brothers, they formed their own new societies that DIDN'T require them to have stellar social skills. They formed these new societies and were somewhat comfortable in them.

That nerd culture that they built, that geek society which was the only thing keeping them alive, it's been sold out to the mainstream. It was freezing outside and all dorks moved into "Geek Manor". But now though, Geek Manor has been sold, and they no longer have anywhere to live. They're in the cold, they're freezing, they're dying, what are they gonna do now? Well, I'll TELL you what they're gonna do now, their serial killer-ish tendancies, tendancies that have been there since day one, those behaviors are gonna emerge FULL FORCE. Now that nerds don't have a home any more, they're gonna get even crazier, they're gonna turn on the rest of the human race, they're gonna turn on the people that rejected them and KILL US ALL.

Faced with this certainly, what are sane people, "the norms", supposed to do? Do we just casually sit back and let them slaughter us all? No, this is an age of proactivity, not REactivity, we must beat them to the punch. If they are gonna come kill us, the only choice we have is to go out and kill THEM before they kill us. Yeah, we have to organize ourselves into groups, a kind of a 21st century posse. We must join together and hunt down the nerds, we've got to round them all up and slaughter them in one single, mass blood bath. It's the only choice, it's either us or them. Ultimately, the nerds will be better off dead anyway, we all know how sad and pathetic and unhappy their lives our. By killing them, we will be doing both ourselves AND them a favor. Fuck, most of them would probably just kill themselves anyways, if they weren't such pussy's.

Long story short:Nerd Genocide NOW, ask me how(exlcamation point)

PS.One thing though, does this mean I'M gonna be killed to? Because if all nerds are killed, then.......Hmmmmmmm......