Monday, August 01, 2005

...Birthday Breakdown...

(EDITOR'S NOTE:Okay, so the mood that the following post was written in has officially passed and in this more sober, somber state, I wanna comment on the stuff below. First of all, it needs to kept in mind that I wrote that shit while I was seriously bummed out, twas melodramatic, over-simplied and I used way too many absolute terms, i.e."no one", "never", "all alone", etc. I was aware of this even when I was writing it, that's what the "good and depressed" line is about. I mean, the post is just fucking emotion, which is okay. It's not exactly "true", but it is definetly what I felt at the time.)

(FURTHER EDITOR'S NOTES:Furthermore, I've been rallying against my own alienation for years and I've done tons of work to tear down that negative aparatus in my mind. The basic working notion reguarding all of this is that it's just fucking imaginary, that "wall" between me and everyone else only exists because I keep on telling myself that it does. Ya know, and I set up myself for situations where I feel awkward and out of place. I latch on to crap and manipulate it so it fits my bullshit. I mean, specifically with this birthday crap, no matter what year it is or what specific social situation I'm in at the time, I ALWAYS manage to come up with some type of scenario on that day that fits into that feeling. I mean, honestly, most people I know just throw themSELVES birthday parties, which I would probably never do, so just right there, that's a fine example of me engineering a situation( party) that will help contribute to me feeling unliked on my birthday, heh heh.

(STILL IN THE PRE-SHOW:Additionally, thinking about it, what exactly do I expect out of people on my birthday? There's this notion of SOMEthing, I want people to do SOMEthing, to act in some specific way ON my birthday, but it's kind of a mirky idea and well, if even I can't figure it out, how are other people? Ya know, if I tell myself I'll only have a "good birthday" if people jump through all these ultra-specific hoops in certain, precise way, then I'm pretty much guarenteed to have a bad day. Also, another "Birthday Bum Out Factor" is the whole present issue. Basically, I'm prolly one of the hardest people in the world to shop for. For the most part, I already HAVE everything I would ever want that's in the 25 dollar and below range. Duder #1:"Oh, I got him such and such book." Duder #2:"Oh, he already has that." Ya can't make me a mix tape, either, because my record collection/musical tastes are much better than yours, and I prolly wouldn't like it. There's only a handful of people in the entire world that can hip me to cool new stuff that I haven't heard yet and the odds are you aren't one of them. ALL of it, it's just fucking hard, some of it is my own fault, some of it is just the situation, but it still all equals out to it being hard for people to express foundness for me or something.)

(WE'LL GET TO THE COLUMN EVENTIALLY:But don't get me wrong, I was more than prepared to have a bad fucking time today, which really isn't the proper attitude to go into things with, BUT, and this is a big but, there were two definite incidents during the day that set it all off. These were clear examples of people being inconsiderate assholes to me, leaving me out and/or behind. Of course, there's the question of how "bad" these incidents were, which I think is a valid point. I don't know if I can really objectively judge that. Ya know, I was so expecting some type of situation like those two, and I convinced myself that I was going to be really bummed if something like that happened, and well, I was. ANYthing in that territory would've set me off. I'm still trying to figure out whether I was justified in getting pissed over such things. Were those things big deals? Maybe yes, maybe no... Even beyond all of that, I more than knew that person's I would be hanging out with didn't give the slightest fuck about me and well, I should'a seen it coming. Or not, I dunno, why do I have to be so fucking sensitive on my birthday? Fuck it, next year I ain't gonna do this "pity party" shit again.)

(JUST SKIP PAST THESE PARTS AND READ THE COLUMN PROPER:I dunno, as I mentioned way back in some earlier entry on here, all these "creative spurts" are usually inspired by one specific person, usually a girl. And basically, the bullshit is that, on whatever level(platonic, romantic, etc.) I usually care about said person more than they care about me. A pretty typical story, everybody goes through that. And yeah, this fucking sprawling, 150 page plus blog, it's the result of that same exact thing. There's one specific person who's the main "inspiration", although honestly, there are a lot of people. All of this, my writing, this blog, the whole thing, it's my attempt, my pretty damn GOOD attempt to prove that I am greatly skilled in certain area's, I more than have my aptitudes and strengths. I'm not a sporty fellow, I'm only slightly an outdoorsy type. Some people would judge me harshly because of this, but the fact IS I am more than worthy. This blog is me shouting a big "fuck you" in the face of every person that thinks I'm not amazing. Unfortunetly, the people that need that shouted in their face the most are never gonna read this. Whatever... Why do I give a fuck about people who don't think I'm worthy of their attention? Ehhhh, because there are so many of them? I dunno... Stupid, simple basic human crap, "wanting to be liked, to be popular", "wanting to fit in"... It's all so stupid, but it's hard wired into our fucking brains and we can't get away from it. Anyway, here finally is the actual blog post that inspired all this further commentary)

Aaaaah, birthday's, the worst day of the year. What is it about this fucking day that just puts me in the worst possible mood? Every birthday since I've been about 15 has just been pure hell. It's this nice little encapsulation of everything wrong with my life. Things don't get better. Year after year, it's still all the same old shit.

I guess part of it is the expectations for the day, ya know, it's supposed to be the one day of the year where all your friends really show you how much they care... or in my case, how much they don't give a fuck. Yeah, the birthday just shines a nice spotlight on all of that. I fool myself, I try and pretend that things have gotten better over the years, but the birthday, oh that sweet birthday, it knows what a black fucking hole of charisma I am and always will be.

Yay, what a nice little pity party I'm having here. Heh heh, it's the only party for me that's going on today. I just need to get used it, I will always be alone, completely, completely alone. I just need to stop caring about anyone or anything and then I'll be fine.

It's just this constant rejection, over and over and over again; rejection or more accurately, DISINTEREST. It's that same fucking reason why I never got called on in school, it's how I flew under the radar for that short amount of time I was group therapy. I just have this uncanny knack for making myself invisible.

Only now am I starting to realize just how all of this type of crap has served to really fuck me up.. Why did I turn to punk rock? Because of THIS feeling. It hasn't gotten one iota better though, still that same pain. How fucking typical, "severe alienation". Always on the outside looking in, never comfortable in my own skin. I hate it, I hate being this person. I try to change, I've been the biggest asshole in the world, I've been "the most empathic person I've ever met", I've been all points in between. I've been stupid, I've been smart, I've been hilarious, I've been serious, but none of it changes anything. I'm still this fucking person. The world has always told me I'm a loser and I've always argued otherwise, but it just doesn't change.

Yeah, days like today, they just make me wanna completely give up on life and spend my last miserable days locked in my parent's basement. What's the point? Why try? I've put more conscious effort into my life than anyone I know. I've given it a go and I've failed. Why not just give up on life? No matter what I do, it'll never be good enough for all these people that find me so uninteresting.

Nobody believes in me, nobody thinks I'm awesome, nobody thinks I'm deserving of their love and/or attention(other than family members). I just need to get used to that fact.

Yay, it's been a long time since I've been this good and depressed, I need to relish the moment, because I'm sure it'll have faded by tomorrow.

People can say what they want about me. they can say what they want about this post even, but at the end of the day, I actually have the courage to confront these feelings and not just drink myself into oblivian in a pathetic effort to try and ignore this type of crap. Make no mistake, almost everyone that I know feels these same things to one degree or another, but they'd never have the balls to actually admit to it.

Like a great man once said, "In a world where everyone has their damning flaws, the only truly strong people are those that can admit to them."

Happy fucking birthday to me