Thursday, August 11, 2005

All chicks in bands are hot?

Alrightly, so here's another old Blank Gen column. It ran in October 2001 at the same time as the MANIFESTO Manifesto piece. By all accounts, this was an extremely popular column. People liked the attempted funny shit, what can I say? It was also one of the first signs of the whole "Rip Off Column Persona". Ya know, the darker, more bullshit stuff; the "of Failure" part....


"Fucking crazy chicks."

-Wasted Potential

So now, I follow a column nicely progressive with something disgustingly REgressive. Yes, I present to you my "Chicks 'n Rock'n'Roll" column, relating to you my various chick related theories in reguards to rock’n’roll . Strap yourselves in, because this is gonna be a fun, fun ride(MODERN DAY, 2005 EDITOR's NOTE:HEY, is that where the Rip Off column catch phrase orginated?). Actually, I guess it's good that the first column ran so long, because nobody’s actually gonna read this. Which is perfect because I've ALREADY gotten shit about a lot of these topics. Anyway, off we go:

# 1. Why aren't there as many chicks in bands as there are guys?

Well, because, ya see, the main reason guys start bands is to GET LAID. They also start bands to make money as well, but that just ties back into the getting laid thing, because money equals power and power equals sexy equals GETTING FUCKED BY TWO BLOND, SHAVE-ED STRIPPERS IN THE BATHROOM OF LOCAL 506. After food and shelter, getting FUCKED, i.e. procreation, is the MAIN thing on the mind of ALL animals. Like they said on the one "Duckman" episode, the creation of society and agriculture and art, ALL of it was just done in an effort to impress chicks. Guys start bands to GET LAID....(EDITOR AGAIN:Oh man, I just used this same material again in that "We All Knew It Would Come To This" piece...fuck)

Now, on the OTHER HAND, chicks, they can get laid a LOT easier then guys can. By being forced into a submissive position throughout history, women have actually GAINED the power of being IN CONTROL OF SEX. Any woman of even average looks and/or intelligence (although that doesn't have anything to do with getting laid) can go out ANY night she wants to and GET LAID, GUAREN-FUCKING-TEED. Chicks don't need to develop great talents or abilities at such and such in order to get laid, all they have to be is a fucking CHICK and SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY FUCK THEM. This basic genetic need is satisfied and therefore they don't need to go to any great lengths in order to advertise themselves. There aren't as many chicks in bands as there are guys because the basic, overwhelming genetic imperative that FORCES guys to start bands just isn't THERE for women like it is for men. That's why.(I think it's called "peacocking" or something like that)

Guys in the punk/rock'n'roll scene aren't repressing women in the slightest. If anything, us GUYS are being repressed because THEY hold so much damn sexual power.(Yes, it is not often talked about, but female privilege DOES exist... So does gay privilege, but that mainly just involves getting to see naked people in locker rooms) I mean, when was the fucking last time a chick came up to YOU at a show and asked for your number? ONCE maybe? NEVER? Yeah, that sounds about right. Now how many WOMEN have YOU gone up to and asked for their numbers? Uhhhhh, uhhhhhh, ALL of them? No SHIT, there's an imbalance in power, and GUYS are the ones that are losing.

Furthermore, everyone is anti-macho nowadays, and that's fine because some ultra-testosteroney, aggressive, take no prisoners type persona is obviously bullshit. What a LOT of people don't seem to realize is that the INVERSE of that is also bullshit to. Ya know, your ultra-subMISSIVE, timid, little quiet, scared little weak, church mouse type shit (ya know, "emo"), what’s up with THAT? Riot Grrl types talk about the evils of the pit and how girls "aren't allowed" to stand up front at shows. Gimme a fucking break, if I (emphasis on "I") am standing up front at a show, it AIN'T because I fucking BULLIED my way up there. It's not because I'm some tough man who pushed and shoved to get my way up front. If I'm standing right AT the stage for a band, I'm THERE because I've been fucking standing there for HOURS and my fucking knees hurt and my neck hurts and I'm THIRSY but I'm fucking STANDING there because THAT is where I wanna BE for the headliners. And I ain't robbing any fucking one ELSE of the right to stand up front, if they wanna stand up front, let THEM go through what I had gone through.

As for the pit, I don't fucking push anyone around in the pit, I don't take PART in the pit, mainly because I'm uncoordinated and I have glasses. Ya know, but I don't take some ultra-submissive VIEW towards the pit, I don't let myself be fucking PUSHED AROUND. And I mean, if I WAS getting tossed around and it was REALLY to my disliking. If I was being physically intimidated by people stronger and bigger then me, ya KNOW what I'd DO? I'd fucking WORK OUT and GET stronger. I mean, if you are getting all shoved around at shows and you SERIOUSLY don't like it, go to the fucking gym already, lift some fucking weights. Male or female, it's just as disgusting to conform to some ultra femme stereotype as it is to conform to ultra-macho thing. If guys maybe SHOULDN'T weight train so much, then maybe WOMEN SHOULD weight train more, DUH. Don't be "weak", don't let yourself be pushed around, but don't be an over aggressive asshole either, BALANCE, MOTHERFUCKER, BAL-LANCE.............

# 2. In the early 80's, all the punk rock guys had new wave girlfriends. WHY?

Well, because first of all, there were barely any punk rock chicks to begin with, and the few that there WERE either didn't seem too interested in sex, or were just flat out crazy. A new wave girlfriend though, she was the softened up, girl-fied version of a punk. She liked the Germs (although she liked the Go Go's more), but she was also cute and WANTED to fuck you. It was the best of both worlds. Today though, there ARE no more new wavers, so how's a punk rocker guy supposed go ABOUT procuring a non-skanky, non-crazy HOT chick who still digs Minor Threat? The answer is of course......ooooooooooHHHhhhhhhhhh, wait for it.....

The emo girlfriend possesses all the qualities of the new wave girlfriend, albeit in a modern context. There IS though SOME clash between punk rocker and emo cultures, just like there was with Punks and New Wavers twenty years ago. With an emo girlfriend you'll probably have to sit through an episode of NBC's "Friends" and pretend to laugh at it's dumbed down "Seinfeld"-iness. Maybe you'll even have to go to a Get Up Kids show and wonder aloud WHY they even HAVE keyboards when they don't even turn them up loud to hear (where as the with new wave girlfriend, you'd wonder why Flock of Seagulls even had GUITARS if they weren't gonna be turned up loud enough to hear over the keyboards)? With the emo girlfriend you have to sit there and read overly long, overly boring emails, but it that really any worse then having to listen to your new wave girlfriend blather on for hours about Duran Duran?

But still, there are some points of divergence between emo girlfriends and new wave girlfriends, there are times when the emo girlfriend more resembles a modern version of a GOTH girlfriend (did anybody EVER have a Goth girlfriend?). You'll most likely have to deal with your emo girlfriend being all depressed at least fifty percent of the time, and you'll have to deal with all of her psycho, stalker, ultra-loser ex-boyfriends that've targeted her because she basically has the word "victim" tattooed on her forehead. You'll have to resist her efforts to make YOU into some kind of ultra-loser, psycho because REALLY, that's the only way she can deal with guys, that's the only kind of relationship she understands. You also have to deal with her BREAKING UP with you if the relationship is actually GOING well. Sure, she was fine with a long distancy thing for the last two years, but now that you're both in the same place at the same time and things are going WELL, FUCK THAT, she can't deal with a healthy relationship......

The new wave girlfriend might've been stupid, but it was okay, because it's was the 80's and you were a punker rocker, SO YOU WERE STUPID TOO. Emo girlfriends are smarter, but most of that intelligence is mainly focused on FUCKING UP ALL OF HER RELATIONSHIPS. At the end of the day, both emo and new wave girlfriend’s suck, but that's okay, because SO DO YOU, SO DO YOU!

# 3. All chicks in bands are hot.

Now, this sucker is related to # 1 up there. Ya see, 'cause GUYS in bands immediately become two or three times HOTTER then they were before. This holds true for WOMEN in bands to. The thing IS though, since they are already women, they are already extremely damn fuckable, and being in a BAND just raises their powers to unGODly levels (exclamation point). Debbie fucking Harry circa 1978? I would literally fucking KILL someone if I could just fuck her. I would give up forever just to be with her one time. That’s how bad I wanna fuck her, so bad that I'm making both Goo Goo Dolls and Nicholas Cage references. Now that’s fucking de-sire(Why Debby Harry? Weird)......

Anyway, I had believed for a long time that yes, truly, indeed, ALL women in bands were SOOOO totally fuckable, but then, then something happened. I saw a band, an all FEmale band. And I ain't gonna mention names(They were called "The Stimulants", people said they sounded like the Buzzcocks... They didn't... The bass player played bass chords... LAME)...........but........they WEREN'T hot. And I know what yer thinking, NO, they weren't dykes, either(yay, sexism & homophobia!) I didn't know WHAT to make of the whole situation, it TOTALLY shattered my whole "chicks in bands" theory in to little, tiny, tiny pieces. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. I was truly lost. I had no home. The days and nights I spent in that age of uncertainty are a time I hope I'll never have to face again. Then was TRULY the third week in November where it's NEARLY winter but not quite YET of my discontent (Yeah, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for that last sentence). Eventually, I regained enough composure to go again, to PICK UP those tiny, tiny little shattered pieces and go on, once more..........Today, all I'm really left with is "Being in a band makes a chick approx. two to three times hotter then she was before, although, if she's REALLY, REALLY ugly, then being in a band isn't gonna help her"; that and a knowing smile. Oh, those days spent upon Emerson's pound, it's a time I won't soon forget(Wow, bad joke and I ran with it for way too long)

# 4. The cutest girls in THEE whole world, always work at the record store.

It helps if you imagine this one as the lyric to a Queers' song (latter era "Don't Back Down" Queers, not the early, good, '84, KBD, Wimpy years). Now, for a LONG, LONG while, I ALWAYS noticed how record store girls are ALWAYS SOOOOOO damn cute. Not even really "hot" or "slutty" even, just REALLY fucking cute. I think to myself, "Why in the FUCK is that?" I mean, they aren't actually IN a band, like the # 3 girls, so what exactly is their power? What’s the deal?

THEN one day, it dawned on me. Record store girls are so cute for the same reason that DJ girls on college radio (who play stuff like the Promise Ring and Belle and Sebastian) sound so cute, BECAUSE OF THEIR PROXIMITY to music. I like GIRLS, I like MUSIC, slap the two together and you've got a combo that I just can't resist. They are just a watered down version of the "chick in a band." The record store girl only seems CUTE, not hot. The record store thing like only makes a chick like 1.5 times hotter then she was before.


# 5. I've really blown my whole load here with this ultra-lengthy double column, so I think I'll just end it off here and do my endnotes. Uhhhhh, if I come up with some more "chicks 'n' rock'n'roll" theories, I'll let ya know. For now though, in regards to ALL of my grand chick theories, I have to say:

Moral of the Story: Obviously, I STILL can't get laid(2005 AGAIN:I gotta get some new fucking material)

MOVIE OF THE WEEK: HARD CORE LOGO (exclamation point).... I bought this YESTERDAY on DVD and boy fucking HOWDY, is it EVER the best punk rock movie EVER, EVER (double emphasis on the second "EVER"). "Hard Core Logo" is the tale (the Canadian tale) of the fictional band Hard Core Logo and the reunion tour they went on back in '96. Everyone's old, and arguing, and the bass player is crazy and guitar guy's leaving to be a big rockerstar in this MTV band and the whole fucking thing is GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. "Hard Core Logo", just like everyone says, is a fucking PUNK ROCK SPINAL TAP............

HATE MAIL OF THE WEEK: Okay, a few columns back I blasted this one club The Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill, North Carolina because they cancelled a Templars' show on REAL short notice (i.e. NONE, the show was still listed on the website and on the club's answer machine), and I (emphasis on "I") drove fucking three and a half hours ONE WAY to get there, only to find out there was NO SHOW and that I had to turn right around and drive back home. Anyway, a week or so ago, I get THIS from a person named Dana:

"ok, i don't wanna hear shit about the fucking cat's cradel. if you had to drive 3 hours out here, then you must not have a place to go to hear good music around you. its cheap as hell and its a small place, so i'd say its doing damn well for itself. thats place pulls in some awesome bands for being in a small college town. and its not their fault the concert was canceled! so, if you can't find a better place for awesome music, then shut the hell up. otherwise... fuck YOU!"

To which I replied:

"Ouuuuuuu, fan mail. Anyway, don't take my dissing of them too seriously. I THINK in the same column I actually PRAISED the Cat's Cradle audience for booing an awful Korn-metal act off the stage at a Bad Brains show."

Then I moved into line by line commentary

She said:

"ok, i don't wanna hear shit about the fucking cat's cradel. if you had to drive 3 hours out here, then you must not have a place to go to hear good music around you."

I said:

"No, there's NO place around here with a good scene. Chapel Hill and DC are like the closest, both of which are 3 and half hours away."

She said:

"its cheap as hell"

I said:

"What are you talking about? I paid like maybe 18 bucks for the Bad Brains show, and I believe Guided By Voices was at least 14 dollars. And ya know, not that I'm complaining(I'd gladly go WAY higher to see GBV), but those kind of prices are a LONG way from being cheap."

Side note here, now MAYbe I loose some ground here by admitting my GBV like-age, but come fucking, have you HEARD them lately? They've morphed into full on Cheap Trick tribute, how could you NOT like that?

She said:

"and its a small place, so i'd say its doing damn well for itself."

I said:

"I wouldn't say it's that small. I mean, I just went to a basement show the other night, THAT was small.........."

She said:

"thats place pulls in some awesome bands for being in a small college town."

I said:

"I ain't arguing with you there. In face, I'm gonna be down again next month on the 21st to see White Stripes(this was still over a year before they were on TV). And NAAAAW, Chapel Hill isn't a small college town, Blacksburg, Virginia, where I(emphasis on "I") live, THAT's a small college town."

she said:

"and its not their fault the concert was canceled!"

I said:

"Eeeeeh, since none of the other bands showed up, they must've known for at least a day or two that the show was canceled. they should've been more on the ball with notifying people, and updating web sites saying that the show was cancelled. Ya know, because OTHERWISE, there might people like ME who drove a long distance, only to get there and have immediatly turn around and go home. It was a totally wasted DAY and it on account of their lackadasical attitude towards UPdating shit. Ya know, and after I got there and found out the show wasn't happening, I walked down to CD Alley, there were four other kids in there who were gonna go to the show, but didn't know it had been cancelled. Futhermore, that was like the third or fourth time the Templars were supposed to play Chapel Hill and cancelled."

She said:

"so, if you can't find a better place for awesome music, then shut the hell up. otherwise... fuck YOU!"

I said:

"Just because I don't have any other BETTER options(well, Local 506 is WAY better, but I don't even know if they're OPEN any more or not), doesn't mean I have to just sit back and blindly delude myself into believing that they're the perfect club. Ya know, I'll commend them when they do something good, but I'm not just gonna blindly support them when they're obviously pretty slack about certain shits."

BAND ORGINATING FROM SOUTH-WESTERN VIRGINIA OF THE WEEK: The National Trust, power pop that splits the difference between late 70's British Mod power pop mid 70's Cheap Trick power-pop.........

OFFICIAL PROCLAIMATION ABOUT WHITE STRIPES OF THE WEEK: Sadly, as I realized a few days after I wrote my last column, it is now OFFICIALLY (and I mean OFFICIALLY) TOTALLY cliche to talk about how overrated the White Stripes are(I think this was written when the second LP had been out for less than 6 months or so). SURE, they ARE way overrated, but that topic's just dead horse-edly beaten WAY too much. We can no longer talk about it...........

TO GO AND GET THE INFO NOW OF THE WEEK: I'm gonna go to the Midwest By the Grace of God fest, in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Three days, October 26th through the 28th…
(I never went to that)An assload of Midwest bands playing… Go to the Rock'n'Roll Highschool website for info on who's playing (yes, I am ALSO to lazy to put the URL of the RNRHS site)..............

OFFICIAL SINCE THIS COLUMN HAS BEEN SOOOO LONG NO ONE’S GONNA READ THIS FAR ESPECIALLY NOT THE PERSON THIS IS DIRECTED TO OF THE WEEK/OFFICIAL PLEA FOR A PIECE OF ASS OF THE WEEK: Ya know, after this whole long debacle of a column, and reading all of that shit over again, I don’ know, I don’ know… There's this one girl, the only girl in town right now that I'm even kinda interested in. Ya know, she's READ most all of that "second level"-er thing before, an earlier version, and yet, for OTHER reasons, she REALLY dislikes me, she either thinks I'm a total asshole. Ya know, but after writing and re-reading the whole thing and THINKING "Hey, she's read this to", I just find it hard to believe that she'd actually HAVE some seriously NEGATIVE opinion of me. Anyway, reading all that crap about being so ultra-honest, it really made think about how I wasn’t being honest in regards to her. Ya know, I've told her a couple of times before that I had no "romantic" interest in her, but fuck, that ain't true, I just said that at those specific times out of anger and also because I kinda wanted to make things less confusing. Ya know, my whole "second level" theory is much easier to handle if I ain't trying ta be yer boyfriend. Anyway, like I said, I DOUBT ANYone will actually READ this far and I DOUBT that (NAMED OMITTED OUT OF EMBARASSMENT) will EVER even read this AT ALL, SOOOOOOOOO, in bold defiance of my own personal philosophy, let me say HERE, now, in the dark, where no one's paying attention, YEAH, I DO dig xxxxx in a romantic/"I wanna be your boyfriend" type of way................Oh yeah, I'm a total coward.........

OFFICIAL SIGN OFF FOR A COLUMN THAT’S BEEN MORE OF A UHHHHH "JOURNEY" THEN A COLUMN OF THE WEEK: If you made it this far.....then you probably skipped a bunch of stuff(yeah, really... I think the whole thing, with both columns and the long endnotes was like 13 pages or so all together)