Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The trick is to write/post so much that no one actually can read all of it

Yeah, so some might be kinda surprised or even taken aback by how honest and open I am with all this type-a crap. "How can he expose himself like that? I would never leave myself so vulnerable." The thing is though, I am not without my defense mechanisms, i.e.there's so much bulk tonage of writing to wade through that effectively, NO ONE can read all this stuff. My "secrets" are safe-ish because nobody is so interested in me that they wanna read 150 pages of my crap(which is just about how long this blog is now).

Anyway, from 2-25-2004(a good period for me writing shit), here's some lengthy crap:

Yeah, I hate to say it, it totally goes against what I stand for, but I've been on a pretty even keel lately, emotionally. It's not so much that I'm blindingly happy or anything, but I'm a million miles from being bummed out.
Even through all the getting sued stuff(or well, that stuff's just started, so who knows how it's gonna turn out), I dunno, just I haven't let it wreck me or anything. Sure, I'm still as unsatisfied as fuck, but that's more of a thematic, emotionally detached notion that exists mainly to urge me on to greater heights.

As cliche as it is, maybe now that I have "real problems", everything has been put into proper perspective. Not that my on going health problems(or whatever) aren't real, it's just that with all the melodrama going on around me, it'd be so easy to fall into some hole of depression and anymore it's like, "Fuck, you could waste yer time being bummed out about all this stuff, or you could do your best to enjoy life as much as you can." At this point, I'm just happy when a whole week goes by and there's not some new, huge problem to deal with.

I dunno, is this "maturity"? Is "Adulthood" just the result of having slogged your way through so much bullshit, so many wars, that you don't sweat the small stuff anymore? Or hell, it's not even "small stuff", like I said, there's like easily half a dozen things I could be really down out about right now and basically I'm just making the conscience decision to NOT let myself be bummed out about it.

God damn, this whole past year or so has prolly be one of, if not THE most life changing years of my life. So much stuff going on from so many angles, and anymore, I just don't feel like whining about it because there's so many people that have it worse. It almost seems like an insult to those people; I'm not gonna whine because what's my "pain" compared to theirs?

Every once and a while, someone I don't know brings up that whole, old "Clint as an asshole" thing and it's just like, "Where have you been lately? It's been a million fucking years since all of that." Ya know, that all was kid's stuff, at BEST it was phase and now it's clearly over. I mean, at some later point, I might do it again if I can make a career/some money off of it, but that'd be just about the only way(heh heh). Since then, its like the few people that DID have a genuinly negative reaction to it are like, "Oh wait, he actually WAS able to stop? What the fuck? I assumed it was this compulsive thing that he had no control over.... FUCK!"

I dunno, now is NOT the era of people "out growing" things. Ya know, now is the time of people being emotional stuck, locked into one problem that they never beat. They become defined by that problem. They know it's there, they knows it exists within themself; yet they make almost no progess against it. The stuff they're struggling with now is what they'll be struggling with 20 years from now. Gone is that ability for people to trandscend/triumph over shit.

Often times it seems like they don't even WANNA beat it; they continue making choices that they know are the wrong ones and somehow, they don't quite connect the dots. "HEY, I'm doing things that I know are morally incorrect, but that's no big deal, I'm sure that has nothing to do with the fact that I'm so unhappy and have no self esteem." That's like our generation in a nutshell: deseparately unhappy, yet too unmotivated to do anything about it.

I dunno, ultimately, those "triumphant" type people are the ones that I really respect. People that have had problems, they've gotten some serious bullshit handed to them, they HAVE gotten screwed, royally, and yet, they don't let it destroy them. They beat it, often times using those negative experiences as a catalyst to bigger, better things(example here being Stone Cold getting fucked over by WCW, only then use that negative experience as promo fodder in ECW. Those promos being so heart-felt and intense that it caused the WWF to be interested in him. The character of Stone Cold would've never developed if it weren't for him getting fucked in WCW. This is what "triumphant" people DO; put simply, they turn lemons into the positives.) Not that this type of characterization has ever been wide spread, but nowadays, you'll be REALLY hard pressed to find tales of such triumph. For every one story of someone who's "beaten it", there are a million stories about people beaten BY it......

I dunno, some people don't like stuipid, simple "positivity". They think its too cliched, too oft repeated(mindlessly repeated); but at the end of the day, once you've had any level of experience with sub-cultura, you find that dumb, mindless, cliched negativity is just as prevalent. Ya know, it's like, "If I read another LJ about how so and so wants to kill themself, FUCK, I'm gonna find where they live and do it myself." Being "depressed" and "negative" is no more creative or original than being some deluded Tony Robbins(self help guru)-esque character. Losing is not intrinsically more interesting than winning...

What IS interesting though is losing, and losing big time, and then turning it all around again until you're winning. That is the story I identify with. Maybe more than anything else, that's the story of "punk"(as if that word still means anything[or ever did]). Ya know, young, fractured, alienated kids go into it, they are the "lost" and through socializationing, and educationing, and responsibility taking-ing(setting up shows, being in bands, writing zines, etc.) they pull themselves out of the more-rass and uhhh, I dunno, WIN...

It's like some kind of alternative, a third opinion between "pyscho fringe culture type" and "mainstream boring idiot"(although, to be honest, most "punks" ARE either psycho, fringe culture types or boring, mainstream idiots, but hey, like I said, the term don't mean nothing no more). The path of the true punk rocker has always seemed like some kind of balancing act, because all interesting art & culture comes from crazy people, all advances are conceived in their fevered minds, BUT, you can't be like that, because these people ARE fucking crazy, blindlingly unhappy and totally full of shit. On the other hand, boring, mainstream types, at their BEST, they are capable of things like happiness and stable, long term relationships, but they fucking SUCK, they're boring, they couldn't have an interesting conversation to save their lifes.

The trick is to take the best qualities of each group and use them to form a new identity. Take all your craziness and repress it, constrain it, lock it all in a box(there's a difference between restraint and repression). A box which you only open when yer doing artful shit. Take all your pain, all your negavity and put into something creative. Spare your friends and family from your bullshit and it turn it into product(ahaha). Instead of just blindly reacting and "doing what you feel like doing", you've gotta stop and analyse, take all it apart. Don't just automatically spit out a responce to something. Stop and think about it for a long time, put a lot of thought into what the RIGHT thing is to say. Think about what the most beneficial thing to do in a situation would be. Don't let your self distructive impulses rule you. Swim with the psycho's, but keep your head above water(ahahaha), learn what you can from them, but don't get sucked down into their bullshit...(side note here, the WORST of both worlds is of course crazy mainstream types... All the turmoil of "cool" people but none of the redeeming qualities).

I mean, just look at my immediate family as an example(sister's 13 years older than me, brother's 8 years older than me). My sister, she rebelled against my parents as a teenager, with all the typical sex & drugs and stuff like that. Had kids early, didn't graduate college, blah, blah. My older BROTHER, though, on the other hand, he saw things turned out for HER, and instead in HIS teenage year's he rebelled against my sister. He took
more of the "straight & narrow, hard working" path. He's been married now for 12 some years, just had his first kid three years ago, has his PhD and goes to church a bunch of times a week(or DID, at least, before the kid).

Myself on the other hand, I didn't rebel against my parents so much, or older siblings, or anything like that. I instead rebelled against "the world". Different without being a degenerate. Where as my mom approves/is proud of my brother, and is often times just plain angry at my sister, she just doesn't know HOW TO react to me. And odd mix of contradictions(kind of), that you really can't put your finger on...

I mean, that's one of the main things "punk" is, a third, obscure choice in a world with only two options(go Nader?).

Or something, blah, blah, blah..........