Wednesday, July 13, 2005


So this is the rewritten version of the old chesnut, "The Strip Club Story". Honestly, it needs another rewrite(the intro especially), but I don't feel like doing it right now. Anyway, this, the rewritten version was prepared for Wendy Norton's "What We Do Is Secret" zine but it never ran. Ummmm, I might've given it to Troy to run in his "Panic Action" zine, but I forget, who knows? At one point the Horizontal Action folks were gonna let me write for 'em and I was gonna prepare a version of this for them, but I just totally flaked out on the whole deal...

Anyway, here tis:

So this past tuesday night, Jimmy comes by to pick up Garrett. He mentions that a couple of the folks from the Greatest, this one local band, are going to Southern Exposures that night. I am not so shocked & relatively intrigued by this. Why? Southern X-ies is a strip club, an out of state dealie just over the
border in West Virginia. It's about an hour drive from us. I'm not so shocked because well, them Greatest folk, they be the philandering type, aheh-heh

Jimmy asks everyone at le Casa de Solaar(where I live, The Solar Haus, a punk house in Blacksburg, VA) if they wanna come along to the titty bar. Everyone declines the offer, myself included, mainly because I only had like two bucks cash on me at the time. Duder noticed that my resistance was low and he kept pesturing me until I half hearted accepted the invite. Hell, the bank WAS still open.

So eventually the whole crew comes back by to pick me up. It's me, Phil(from the Greatest), Justin, Jimmy and Garrett. On the drive to WV, it's noted that I'm being even more quiet than usual. This was true and even I myself noticed
it. Why was I so silenty? Well, I couldn't hear the conversation that was going on in the back seats very well, and I had like seven beers in me already, and I was kinda drowsy, and maybe, just maybe I was kinda nervous about going to
strip club for the first time? I dunno, it might not 've been that, I was just in some odd mood that night, maybe sleep deprivation or something, it's hard to tell, but I'll get into all of that later.


We get there somewhere around midnight. I note how stupid it is for the ID guy/doorman to be behind this two way mirror thing that allows him to see us but not us him, whatever. If yer that concerned about cops, just wear a ski mask or something, heh heh. So we go in, and well, at the bar there are these "well dressed" ladies and I wonder, perhaps naively, "Are those girls strippers to? I'd expect them to be dressed more skanky."

This stupid question is answered in about three seconds when this creepy, really short asian stripper with a thick accent comes to me and tries, really awkwardly, to make small talk. I immediately think, "Oh god, what the fuck, go away. I know yer just trying to get me to buy a lap dance from you, but seriously."

After that horror(heh heh), I buy a drink, sit down with the rest of the gang and within like five minutes, I wonder why I'm not more into it. I joke that it was perhaps because I had already jerked off twice that day, but that wasn't the case. There was just something supremely artificial about the environment. The
stupid black light shit everywhere. I mean, it was like every strip club you've ever seen in some bad movie. I felt like I shoulda been dealing with mafia business there, arranging a hit or something.

Every so often, another girl would come by and do the whole "I'm pretending to come on to you" thing, and each time it was doing absolutely nothing for me. I joked that girls hitting on me seemed unnatural and that what they needed to do was let me hit on them, and then reject me, and then I'd start whining and complaining until they finally came around. Ya know, because that's the type of thing I was used to in real life.

More beers followed, I was probably up to ten for the evening, but I still wasn't drunk. I don't know what the hell it was about but I just seemed so stone cold sober for most of that night. It was as if my body wanted me to soak in
this experience for everything that it was. I "didn't wanna miss a thing" Perhaps I was just scared shit-less.


Eventually, everybody started pestering me to get a lap dance, but I wasn't about to, as those fuckers cost 35 bucks. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? 35 is way too rich for my blood. I ain't no jew, but there's no way in hell,
I'd pay that much for just a lap dance. I mean I'd swing MAYBE ten for a lap dance and MAYBE 35 for full on sex, but well, even then I prolly wouldn't go for it, 'cause that shits fucking creepy, yo.

More girls came out and danced. They all picked their own music and it was all the most torturous shit i-maginable. That's prolly the reason I wasn't getting more into it, because a girl with really bad music tastes is just a total turnoff. Also, I think it's a GOOD thing that I can't really get aroused when a Linkin
Park song is playing. I think the closest thing to a "good" song that was played was some later-era Danzig stuff. Good lord, what crap.

I was kinda bugged by the fact that I wasn't getting into things more than I was. Within 15 minutes or so of me arriving there I was already questioning if maybe I was I gay or not. But then I thought about the kind of girls that I DID like, ultimately arriving at the fact that I need to know at least a LITTLE about their
personality in order to be really turned on. Also, a lot of the girls there just didn't seem like the type of gals I'd be interested in. But that's fucking stupid, because who's not interested in naked girls? Even naked redneck

I wondered why I always think that like every chick at shows is hot, but why none of these girls were doing it for me. Maybe it was the whole "mystery" angle, and how the strippers didn't have it because well, I KNEW what they
looked like naked......heh heh..... Maybe it's because I actually have some respect for girls at shows because well, they're at least cool enough to be at the show. Those stripper girls though, even if they were at a show, they'd seem
horribly out of place.


So all of this was going on, and I was waiting and watching and hoping for a girl to come out to some tolerable music. Then, all the sudden, the whole night took a huge, unbelievable turn. It changed the night from an awkward, semi-drunken escapade into one of the most historic nights of my comedic life.

A girl came out on the stage. I noticed she had these back piercings. There were like six of them, three on either side of her spine, and then she had like a ribbon laced through them. I thought, "Wow, that girl has the same piercing
as that girl I've talked to at a couple of shows and Kroger." Then it hit me, that was THE SAME GIRL.

Yes everybody, the stripper was a girl from Blacksburg who I had talked to at a couple shows before and had even remarked upon how hot she was. I immediately started cracking up uncontrollably. I say this honest and whole-
heartedly, it was probably the most hilarious thing that's ever happened to me, beating out even that time I saw a bum have a seizure right in the middle of a riot(that fucking AWESOME).

I went to an out of state strip club over an hour away and I knew one of the girls there, a girl that's from Blacksburg, the town I live in. I knew her real name, I knew where she lived before Blacksburg. I knew that one guy
she hangs out with who used to be a coke dealer, the same dude that tore up the latice work here at the Solar Haus. I immediately knew that this was a story that I'd be telling for the rest of my life.

About 20 seconds into my fit of uncontrollable tee-hee-ing, Justin suggested that I go up to the stage and tip her while she was dancing, but I would've just ended up laughing right in her face, or possibly cooch, and well, that wouldn't 've been polite. Sadly, she also danced to really bad music, like Tool or something, I forget. I remember just taking note of what she looked like naked, because well, I had imagined such things before that night. Also, it was some weird kind of fantasy fufillment thing, because finally, one of those dozens of girls from shows that I had always wanted to see naked, I was GETTING TO SEE NAKED.


After she got off stage, the pestering continued about me getting a lap dance, and well, Jimmy said he'd pay for one, so well, I gots me lap dance from Back Piercing Girl.

Within about fifteen seconds, she had reconized me and we started talking about how we knew each other. We then conversed about show shit and
how the places here in town had gotten shut down and stuff like that. As this conversation was going on, she was of course grinding on my crotch and slowly losing more and more clothes. It was basically like the exact type of
conversation I'd have with someone at a show, but with the obvious differences.

Then I started talking about how artificial the whole strip club experience was(I was up to 12 beers at that point, and I was finally starting to get a little drunk). I tried to get her to admit that all of her "friendless" was just completely fake, but she wouldn't. I dunno, she even said that I should come over her place here in town sometime and hang out, but I'm sure that was just a line she fed me in hopes that she'd get a better tip. I continued on with the "fake" stuff until I hit that point where I realized that, "Hey, this is the point where people'd start to get offended by what I'm saying." I then apologized if anything I had said had pissed her off. She remarked that it took a lot to upset her and not to worry about it.

Heh heh, this is where she really started to "hook" me, where I maybe starting "falling for the stripper game"(the "stripper game" of course being "give the guy whatever you think he wants"). So yeah, then I said, "Oh, I don't know, I can say some pretty offensive stuff." And she's all, "Come on, just say something really offensive right now, I'll love it." Yeah, definite weakness with me, she was daring me to be a jerk, that's nailing me on two fronts, how
could I resist? I'm a sucker for a well worded dare.

But don't get me wrong, I didn't say it, I resisted because the offensive statement I was thinking of was just too over the line and would've ruined everything. That comment was, "So, experts say that the vast majority of
strippers were sexually abused as children, were you ever molested?" Now, I wasn't going to ask that just to be a dick, I was just genuinly curious about such things.

So I restrain myself in that reguard, and well, it starts to seem like she's maybe a little bummed that I'm not more into the lap dance than I am. Almost kind of a "so I'm not sexy enough for you?" type thing. Then though, she did something that well, I suppose, got me "into it", but it was also a little bit of the whole "Wow, look at what you're doing, I have no smart-ass comments to make about this."

Now, I'll tell you what she did to shut me up, but you have to keep in mind that I only reveal this in the spirit of honesty. I am not "bragging about my exploits" here, or something.

Anyway, yeah, what she did was, she started gingerly fingering herself, with her AREA about two inches away from my face.

You heard me.

The only thing I was thinking right then was, "Fuck, why can't you touch these girls? I don't care if I catch something." I entered into that glorious moment of male-dom where conscience thought was a little beyond me because most of my blood flow was employed elsewhere. Lordy, lordy...


So, eventually, her stuff was removed from my general face area and I regained the power to wise-off. I believe I said, "Wow, you know I was
into it there because I finally shut up." After a while the dance ended and amungst other things, I noticed that she had left some of "herself" on my unsanitary, so damp. I felt dirty, aha ha.

Anyway, I gave her a ten dollar tip saying, "Here, yer getting this because I was kinda friends with you before." I tried to just hand it to her, but she insisted that I put it in her garter... whatever... Can't she even drop her front for even like five seconds?

Afterwards when we came back to the main area, she attempted some small talk for a couple minutes, but it was nothing major. I was left with the feeling that basically all of it was fake on her part. I tried to remember how friendly she had been when I had talked to her at shows, but I couldn't really remember. She had seemed nice, but not really friendly or anything, I dunno.


The place closed not too much longer after that so, my buds, myself, and my jeans damped by stripper juices, we all drove back to Blacksburg. What a night. On the ride homeward, I reflected upon the things I had observed and/or learned that night:

-I must be a little more "european" than I know, because the nudity so wasn't a big deal after like 20 minutes

-There were only like two girls with really bad, obvious boob jobs, and overall, I approved of the wide variety of boob sizes. Back Piercing Girl had these nice smaller tits that were enjoyable. Of course, like almost all of them had pierced nippled and clits..... Wasn't so into that

-Not much pube action either....I'm not so much a fan of shaved girls, but I guess in that setting where you don't exactly get an up close view, they need to have uh, genitals that are unobstructured....

-I thought I'd get shit from someone about going there, but no one has said the slightest negative thing about it. In fact, I've prolly told more girls about it than guys, and all them thought it was awesome. One even kinda got mad that I wasn't more into the lap dance thing. What can I say, it was kinda awkward.

-Overall, it was a fun time, but mainly just because I reconized a girl there

-Would I go again? Ehhhhhhh, maybe, but I doubt it'd ever become something I'd do regularly. I went with the idea in mind that "everyone should
go to a strip club at least once"


So yeah, there's the story of the first time I went to strip club, AND reconized one of the girls there. Hoo-ra hoo-ra...

I never wore that pair of jeans again...