Wednesday, July 13, 2005

THE SEMI-EX

a companion piece to the "Kinda Boyfriend" post

(from October 2003, edited down from a longer, boring dealie)

Okay, now there's another trend that I've been noticing a lot lately. It's nothing new, but for some reason, it seems to be even more pronounced nowadays. This phenominon(sp?) is of course all them damn people's that have a shitty relationship for under six months and then officially "break up", but then afterwards they never actually really break up. The whole thing is kinda left in this weird emotional limbo where nobody really knows WHAT the deal is with it all, not the friends of the two involved, not the "couple" themselves, NO ONE. It's like they tell themselves, "Oh, I put so much effort into getting close with this person, and it's so hard for me to connect to someone else, so now even though things have gone sour, I need to maintain this relationship." Now, this is ALMOST a good idea, but the thing IS, when you BREAK UP...you actually have to BREAK UP. You can't go from being a couple and being in love to being "just friends" within the course of a few days. You need time away from each other, time to actually genuinly heal. And needless to say, if things between you two are too fucked for you to be a couple, well then the odds of you being able to maintain a healthy PLATONIC relationship are not very good. All of yinz's in these type of situations(I should note here that I'm NOT talking about any one specific "couple" here, this is a trend I've noticed well over half a dozen times in the last couple months) need to stop pretending yer so "mature" and emotionally detached from the situation. Of course you care and of course it's a big deal and OF COURSE you are very upset. YOU ARE NOT READY OR CAPABLE TO BE "JUST FRIENDS" WITH THAT PERSON RIGHT NOW...you might not ever be, and that's okay.... That's actually a fairly healthy thing, it's NATURAL for someone not to get along with their ex, that's how it works. If the situation was bad for you and they consistantly made you feel like shit, then you probably DON'T need to hang around them anymore. And yes, breaking up really hurts, but the way to get over it is NOT to just plunge headlong back into crap with your ex and pretend that you don't care. ALL OF YOU CARE, VERY MUCH SO.... You can lie to yourself about it, but the truth is clear to anyone that observes your actions. ALSO, another factor that people don't seem to think about in these type of situations is that when you are involved in something like this, it drives away NEW PEOPLE who you could potentially have a sound relationship with. They see all the stupid bullshit yer involved in, and their HEALTHY responce to it is, "What is all this stupid-ass weird crap? Why can't they actually break the fuck up? Eeeeeh, I'm staying away from her, I don't want to get involved in any of that type of craziness." Also, there comes the point where one of two go out with someone new for the first time. Now the other preTENDS not to be horribly jealous, they preTEND to be okay about it, but it's all just so fucking obvious. Also, this type of stuff FUTHER destablizes any NEW relationship you might attempt because if you still "regretably" fuck your ex every once in a while, a NEW girl/boyfriend isn't gonna be too accepting of that. It's the biggest, oldest cliche in the world, cheating on your current significant other with your ex. I'm surprised its not mentioned in the 10 Commandments. See, maybe you geniunly DO have a problem with making a real emotional connection with someone else, dot dot dot, and it's partually because you engage in stuff like this. Sure, maybe you ARE miserable, but at least part of that is because you surround yourself with people that help KEEP you fucking miserable(and you do the same for them). You continue to pour energy into these doomed associations, while you ignore those that you probably could have something healthy with. Break the god damned cycle, get out of all the insanity and just break the fuck UP... You've already tried long enough and hard enough with that person, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.... Move on, find someone else.... Yer fucking young, you don't need to hold onto these fuck-knobs forever... OTHER PEOPLE WILL COME ALONG.... OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS COME ALONG.... PART OF THE REASON WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY NEW EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS WITH PEOPLE IS BECAUSE YOU ARE WASTING ALL YOUR TIME AND EFFORT ON PEOPLE THAT THINGS ARE ALREADY FUCKED UP WITH... ANOTHER REASON YOU CAN'T CONNECT IS BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU REALLY CAN'T CONNECT WITH ANYONE NEW...... Believe me, it's easy to connect with new people.....you just have to put in the effort....just a little effort, a FRACTION of the effort you put in with your "semi-ex". There are other people out there who will love you, you can take the lessons you learned in that old, bad relationship and use it all to not fuck up the new one. And fuck, moving on is ESSENTIAL because you'll never really understand why things happened the way you did until you get some perspective on who you really are. Ya know, time after time, do you repeat the same mistakes in relationships, OR was it just that one time? Was you or was it him? WHAT exactly was it.... Until you get some distance from the thing, you'll never know, and you can't get distance while you're still there hanging out with them at least once a week and "accidently" fucking maybe once a month or so when yer both "really drunk"... Becoming close friends with yer ex within a few days after you break up isn't being adult, it's being really fucking weak and unhealthy AT BEST and at worst, it's kinda sociopathic if you DON'T actually care.... But anyway, there's my official commentary on the phenom. of the "semi-ex"....