Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The New Hate

From a year ago, in this I basically turn on myself and rip my "old persona" a new asshole. I'll chime after all this is over with my current thoughts on such things:

A STRING OF RELATED POSTS THAT DRAWL FROM OLD NOTIONS AND EXPAND UPON THEM:

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Seriously, song lyrics are fucking retarded. They're for 16 year olds and no one else. "Oh, no one understands me, no one gets me, I'm so alone in this world. I am so alienated... The only one that understands me is Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon. It knows what its like to be misunderstood and under-appreciated because it's uhhhh, one of the best selling records of all time, and uhhhhh, oh fuck, there goes my fragile teenage reality."

I dunno, I've been annoyed about such things for quite a while now, but as more time goes on, it just gets more and more blatent and obnoxious. I mean, the only "genius" lyrics I've heard in the last couple years have been Loli & The Chones "I'm A Mess":"Sleep all day, stay awake at night and I can't get a job, no...sleep all day, stay awake at night and I can't get a job, no...I'm a mess, I could care less". That and fucking murder-ballads; if yer gonna over-dramatise yer stupid life, you might as well REALLY over-dramatize it.

All these whining fucking teenage kids, all those emotional arrested lyricists, WHO GIVES A SHIT? I mean, sirse, is "alienation" the key component of every single person's "coming of age"? Everyone whining about how they're so "different" but its all still the exact same ass-drip.

These type of themes are just fucking annoying, they're over-used and god damned boring by this point. Yeah, so what if people don't like you? It doesn't matter if yer parents/family don't understand you, they're not supposed to, that's one of things that inspires you to move away from home in the first place.

Who cares? WHO FUCKING CARES? You're not that special, you're problems are the same as everyone else's. There's nothing dramatic or woeful to any of your shit. Yer just another retard, get used to it. Stop whining, there are more important and more interesting things in life than this type of bullshit. Stop being such a dumbfuck and maybe you'll actually learn something about that type of stuff.

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So yeah, I turned 25 a couple weeks ago, and well, even though I'm more involved in music/punk/rock'n'roll than ever, the whole "emotionally arrested" aspect of the whole deal just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Fuck the lyrics, fuck the conscious side of it, I'm just into the sound, the mood conjured(sp?), whatever...

People seem to have this conception that you can't "grow up" and still remain involved in music. They think you have to maintain this perpetual state of suspended adolescence,"sex-drugs 'n' r'n'r", all that shit.

That mode of thought is idiotic; you can stay involved with it for as long as you want. It's just that you view it in a change-ed light and are getting OTHER things out of it as you grow older. You can stay vital and/or "soulful" for as long as you fucking put the effort into it. You don't get lame just because you get OLD, you get lame because you stop trying.

EXAMPLE:We all know this person; they book shows all the time, and they were in bands consistantly all-throughout, but HEY, once they graduated and moved away
they didn't do SHIT anymore. Sure, when they left they had the INTENTION of being in more bands. but well, they never followed through. Like I said, they didn't get lame because they got old, they got lame because they stopped TRYING...


And don't get me wrong, I'm not pretending that I'm the happiest person in the world here and I'm, "so mature and so grown up" and everything's so great, I'm just saying that by this point, the old, simplistic shit has been worked over in my head so much that it just doesn't mean anything anymore, it has no emotional impact.

When I was 17 I might'a been bummed that people didn't "understand" me, but nowadays, I couldn't give less of a fuck. Sure, the same, basic conflicts are still there, my "problems" now aren't so different than my problems from five or ten years ago; (fer example)hipster-retard-bartender-chick still isn't gonna fuck me no matter what I do, but well, who gives a shit? The capacity just isn't there to get upset about it anymore.
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And just like how complaining about being "alienated" is fucking tacky, so is complaining about yer problems with the ladies, how you got dumped or can't get laid or whatever. Seriously, all you assholes out there reading this, stop being such boring shitfaces and learn how to talk about something fucking INTERESTING for a change. It's always the same one or two themes, repeated ad-nausem through-out your whole fucking existance.

Grow up, get over it, talk about something that hasn't been talked about a million times before.

Yeah, so that's the "New Hate" the new "complaint" the new "annoyance": yinz's need to stop living such carbon-copy, simplistic bullshit lives. We don't care if yer alienated and having problems with people you wanna fuck. Transcendence, getting over it, growing up and moving on, becoming the most awesome person yer capable of being, THAT is what it's all a-fucking-bout now people. Fighting and fighting and fighting and WINNING, that's what fucking matters.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I still "hate the world", but really, I don't think about that anymore. What I DO think about and what I DO really hate is people that aren't contributing anything, people that aren't moving shit forward. People that just aren't even TRYING.

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Don't cha hate those teenage-fuckhole-brains(as mentioned earlier) who think they're SOOO alienated, and SOOOO different, but then, THEN, they're at a party, and they actually manage a half hour conversation with a girl(although, this applies to both genders equally here) and suddenly, SUDDENLY, OH MY GOD, there's someone in the world that understands them and immediately they drop their pants and are in love, only to find out a few days/weeks later that it was all just imaginary bullshit dreamt up in their head? And don't cha like how they repeat that same pattern over and over again for like 20 years solid?

Why can't they get it through their heads that a drunken hook-up with someone they just met at the bar that night isn't gonna lead to anything significant? Some of these folk might pretend that the one night stand is really all they want(for some, that really IS their only goal), but with so many of these people you can just SEE that point when they are so totally buying into that guy's line of bullshit and he can totally fuck her that night if he wants to. It's like they're in some kind of trance or something? Why do they fall for such simplistic crap that pretty much everyone else can see through?

Is it because shit hain't about stuff they're consciencly aware of? Could it be that what they're really attracted to is subtle little behaviors of the other person that clue their brain into the fact that "HEY, associating with this moron will permit me to remain miserable in the exact same way that I've been unhappy for my entire life."
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At a party a couple of months ago, I started talking to this one person, and they go on and on about how socially awkward they are and how they have trouble at parties and how they don't leave the house that much and blah, blah, blah... Ya know, and I was saying back to them, "Well, yeah, I mean, I more than understand and empathize with that type of thing. God knows I was there myself for quite a long time, hell, I STILL might be there for all I really know, but well..." And what I didn't SAY to that person, although I thought it was, "Ya know, even though I can very much relate to your problems, I'm just fucking annoyed because yer shit is too simple. Its crap I identified and dealt with years ago. Nowadays, even though I might still have similiar problems, I really would never, ever express them in such a manor."

I mean, I needs me some meaty self-expression to sink my teeth into, I need some real, heavy-duty, hardcore, next-gen existential-angstholing, or otherwise, I just get bored. Anybody that's been around me on a night where I was "heroic drunk" night knows what I'm talking about. It's like these GRO posts, but in real life performancing....

or whatever, blah, blah, blah.....
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Okay, so back to 2005 now. What can I say? This is a VERY, interesting post from me. It shows some marked emotional growth(which I think is actually a really interesting part of all these old posts, you can see how my ideas have developed over the years). In the above I am actually decrying people who complain about not being able to get laid, people who talk about how they're alienated.

Obviously, those two topics are just about the ONLY things I ever talk about, whether it be five years ago or five minutes ago. What then inspired me to write all that stuff putting down such talk? Was it any real, true emotional growth? Was I just bullshitting myself? Whelp, I think at that point I truly WAS tired of those topics and in writing that post, to a certain degree, I WAS just bullshitting myself. I was saying that I was done with them, OVER them. The truth is, I wasn't, but I really, really wanted to be. I've made tons and tons of progress over the years, but those same basic conflicts are all still there(something which I say in the post). Ya know, I definetly AM tired of having trouble relating to people, and I've been tired of not being able to get a girlfriend for about a decade now. These are topics that I've gone over again and again and again. I've devised a million different scenario's in effort to beat them, I've GONE to therapy. I've "done the work" over and over again, and still, it doesn't change, it just doesn't change. The enraging reality of the matter is that THIS is my fucking life.

When I was 18-19 I went through a really hard period. Ya see, I was basically just STARTING to come to terms with the fact that THIS was prolly what my life was gonna be. Yeah, I was depressed because I didn't wanna be "Clint", I couldn't fucking handle it. I thought I was pretty awesome, meanwhile, the rest of the world kept on labeling me the biggest loser ever. I thought it would get better when I got into punk rock and the community surrounding it. I thought they were more accepting of different people. They weren't though, they were just accepting of people LIKE THEM. I reacted to that of course by becoming even MORE punk rock and labeling THEM the imposters, which they largely were.

And yeah, I thought things would get better when I moved to Milwaukee, and in some ways, they have, but I still feel as though in the social circle I'm in, I get pushed to the perifery because I'm not a vegetarian, pop-punk loving, bike riding, crossword puzzle doing, dumpster diving, lazy taste in music having, crusty accepting, non-media savy type like the rest of them. Milwaukee is basically me when I was 19, and boy howdy has it been a LONG time since I was 19. Fuck, I relate to the town(or more specifically, the social circles I'm IN in Milwaukee) like I would a younger brother, I get where he's coming from and the stuff he's going through but it's all shit I was done with years ago.

FUCK, all of this is just such bargin basement bullshit alienation. Half of me is saying, "All of this is imaginary, it exists inside your own head and no where else, if you just put some more effort into interacting with them you wouldn't feel so much on the outside", while the OTHER half of me is envious of how similiar they are to each other and how easy their interactions are. I find it astonishing that they're actually having a good time at these stupid fucking bullshit parties. I mean, are they just deluding themselves into thinking they're having a great time at such non-events? EXAMPLE:A couple weeks ago I as at a friend's house and there were these photo booth pictures of her roommate lying on the table. I looked at them and thought, "Wow, she sure does seem to be having the time of her life in those pictures." Then I thought about it more, in every fucking my space picture I've ever seen, EVERYbody looks like they're having the time of their life. Then I thought about some of my OWN my space pictures, there were definetly certain ones I posted up there because it looked like I was having a really fun time.

Is that what people DO? Do they pretend to be as happy as possible in pictures so that when they, or someone else, looks back at them, it appears as though their life is uber-fun and glamous? Are we all trying to sell ourselves on the lie that our lives are much more awesome than they actually are? Do we romantisize pointless binge drinking and forgotten, superficial four minute conversations(i.e.every party all of us have ever been to), imagining that all of it is actually something significant?

So yeah, I DO hate alienation and not being able to get laid, and I AM bored of talking about it, yet, it still fucking exists. It's still there... The brick wall that's been in front of my face my whole fucking life.

Anyway, just to make this entry even MORE painfully long, here's something I said a few weeks later after that initual "The New Hate" post:
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SPOILER WARNING........SPOILER WARNING..........SPOILER WARNING..........

So I saw "Before Sunset" earlier today at the Lyric(7 and 9:15, go see it). It's the sequel to "Before Sunrise". "Sunrise" was a movie about an american guy and a french girl that meet on a train in Europe. He has to go home the next day, so they they get off the train in some scenic locale and walk around the city all night long and just have one big, long conversation and get all "bondy" with each other... At the the end of the movie, they don't exchange numbers or anything, they just a make pledge to meet each other at the train station in six months time.

The sequel, which I saw tonight, takes place nine years later and is basically pretty damn similiar to the original. The whole movie is just one big, long conversation. (MORE SPOILER WARNING) The movie picks up with the two reuniting after having not seen each other since the night they met(i.e. the first movie).

Here now is where I start to get pissed off... Within like four minutes of talking they are already into one of the best conversations one could possibly imagine. This is fucking annoying because well, fucking hell, how many times does one have really good conversations in their life? It's all awkward pauses and chit-chat about stuff that no ones gives a fuck about and nobody ever really reveals their true character.

Even when you CAN get something like that out of a person it's always after months and months and years and years of a relationship/interaction. The movie is irritating in that way because it suggests that that "magic" is not so hard to obtain and can be had with a nigh stranger...

It also pisses me off because well, I can make the god damned magic happen every single time in print, but hardly EVER in face to face conversations. Why is it that relating to a piece of paper, to a computer screen is so much easy than to a person? Why am I so fucking fearless here, but so restrained other respects? Its like HERE I have limitless access to "the magic", but it other sectors of my life? Its a whole fucking lot harder.

Hell, sometimes, sometimes I even DO manage the "magic" in real life, I CAN spout off stuff like this. All the existential, self reflective, bullshit, I CAAAAAAN push it out my mouth, but it doesn't fall on receptive ears. People just look at me like I'm weird or something.

Sure I'm more "popular" now, I have many more friends, but it's nothing all that "fufilling" or "enriching", most of it is just shallow boring assdrip and the only enjoyment I get out off things is trying to interject as many jokes as possible.

That fucking movie pisses me off because I KNOW I am capable of great conversations like that and I KNOW that I haven't found any-fucking-body capable of echoing something similiar back to me.

Why does it have to be so fucking hard to make a connection with another fucking human being sometimes? And I'm not talking a sexual connection, I'm just talking about ANY kind of closeness or intimacy AT ALL. Something fucking real.

God damn it, I hate to paraphrase Ben Fold Five, but why is everyone in this fucking community/soceity/sub-culture always fighting the battle of who could care less? Its like some competion, a show where the one that cares the least about ANYone is the winner. It's always kept on the surface level, just boring fucking bullshit. Isn't there anything MORE to these people? A lot of them are stupid, but a few aren't and there has to be at least one of them that has SOME-fucking-thing interesting to say. Something that isn't so isolated and specific that it can only be understood by someone with a BA in whatever. Something fucking relatable...

So yeah, I'll prolly go see the movie again tomorrow...

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Damn it, I thought I said I was bored with alienation(i.e.the "New Hate" post). Fucking hell... See, that movie's also annoying because it uhhhh, emotionally set me back, or something...

It was a reminder that no matter how sociable an introvert gets, they still crave the fucking depth... They need it to survive. Shits at odds people, at fucking odds... You can't HAVE a million friends and be all that close to them, and yet, you NEED intimacy, BUT, you need to have a million friends as well, and yet.....

Fucking hell, extraverts are crazy cause they have difficulty connecting on a deeper level, and introverts are crazy because they NEED the fucking depth and well, they have trouble with small talk, heh heh.....

shitcock... See, that "New Hate" thread was all about me rallying against the only things truly worth rebellion, i.e. the flaws in yourself....

fuck.....

(SIDE NOTE:"Before Sunset" was written and directed by the same guy that did "Waking Life" and "Slacker").....

Maybe it was just so "impactful" because it's been a long time since I've seen a really good movie. Or well, it wasn't THAT great, I mean, their emotional insights weren't all THAT profound... Maybe I just like movies that are one big, long conversation("My Dinner With Andre", "Mind Walk", etc.)...

Ahahahahha, movies like that are kinda like a whet dream to introvert types... Ya know, it's like, "Wow, all the stuff I think in my head has finally been spit out there on the movie screen, great." I forget who it was, but some director said that all dialogue in movies is inherently utopian and facistic(facistic because it imposes only ONE PERSON'S view of utopia) because the writer is crafting this world where the stuff the people say fits perfectly together with what the other people are saying. Ya know, its the author saying, "In a perfect world, this is how a conversation would work." Utopian and fascistic at the same time...

Moral of the Story:In theory I'm still bored with alienation, but after being back at my mom's house for almost a month now, a lot of wind has been taken out of THOSE particular sails... Damn it, can't let this emotional growth; this epiphany, slip away... I gotta be more in a July mindframe, not the August mindframe... Don't get bogged down by August because the September mindframe is gonna blow even the July mindframe way out of the water(potentially).... Anyway, hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about here; hopefully they get the joke...

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Fucking hell, life annoys me....