Wednesday, July 13, 2005

More than ANYone ANYwhere is EVER gonna read

This is from the same time period as the last post. I should say that I'm not really "surrounded" by mental illness anymore, at least not serious, uppercase mental illness. Yeah, I've cut most of those "toxic" types outta my lfie at this point and I'm all the better for it. Fuck trying to "help" people, it's bullshit...

Anyway, POST:

So I think for the MAYBE the first time in my life, I've started to have a reoccuring dream, an UPSETTING dream. Previous to this, I've maybe had ONE other long term, reoccuring dream. I'd be back in high school again, and even though I had already graduated, I would have to take all the classes over again. Anyone that knows me well enough knows what that dream was about.

Still though, that dream was never very upsetting, not like this NEW dream. In it, basically, a person that I really care about goes insane. Their old personality ceases to be and it's just replaced by bold faced craziness. It's almost like that person has died in way, because what they WERE is gone. They were gone and a monster, essentially, had taken their place. Even worse, within the last month or so, the dream's taken on a new characteristic in that when said person loses it, they also begin to engage in some breed of ultra weird, ultra scary, perverse sexual practice.

These dreams always leave me really shaken and upset, and even thinking about it now kinda puts me off. What exactly is so scary about them, why am I so disturbed? Now, I ain't gonna attempt any ultra-deep Freudian dream analysis here, but basically, yer brain's going all the time, and the mellow-drama going on in your waking life(huuuuuu) is echoed in your dreams. So the question IS, is stuff somewhat similiar to this happening in your real life? MY real life?

The answer is YES, a bold, resounding yes. I'm surrounded my mental illness on all sides, it's inexcapable, I'm in up to my neck with all this shit. Everywhere I look and everyone I know, it's just like this ever present spector looming over everything. And I ain't just talking about mental illness within acceptable, everyday boundries, I mean people with full blown, diagnosed personality disorders.

Fuck, I remember back when I was 18, I made enemies by suggesting that most of "us" had some kind of emotional problem. I said that back then like it was some kind of "revolutionary" idea, but NOW, it's just so blatently fucking obvious and SO staring EVERYONE in the face that I just can't imagine how anyone could ever pretend that it's not there.

It's obvious, it's clear, THIS is what it's all about, it's ALL about mental fucking illness, and I want a fucking break from it. I want out, beyond it, above it, removed from it.... Where-ever, I just want fucking FREEDOM. It's ALL mental illness and some, a FEW, are earnestly trying to beat it, but majority are just fucking wallowing in it.

So yeah, THAT's what the dream's about:everyone I fucking know is in process losing their mind, they're unconsciencly constructing their worlds to keep themselves permanently miserable. They're doing all that and I'm terrified that one day their mental problems will completely consume their personality and the person I knew and cared about will be gone.....