Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I really like this one


Whelp, the internet archive dealie isn't working right now, and I actually don't still HAVE copies of those old columns, so I'm gonna have to pull some shit off of ye olde hometown message board. What follows is the bulk of a column I wrote for Blank Gen. somewhere's around dec of 2001, it's one of the better ones.

It got a lot of postive feedback about it although it was also the focus of some controversy; a misunderstanding that lead to my old columns being taken off the Blank Gen archives. Ya see, the thing was, whilst reading the column, Blank Gen editor Joe Domino misinterpreted something I wrote and somehow thought that I was advocating sexual assault. He placed editorial comments in my column decrying this and then ran the whole deal without even telling me about it. Once it ran, someone alerted me to what he had said and within a few days it was all cleared up. Joe officially apologized for it and took his comments out of the column.

How did this lead to my old columns being taken off of Blank Gen? Well, Joe thought, well over a year later, that I was still pissed at him over all of that and he took my stuff off of there because he thought I didn't want to be associated with the zine anymore. That wasn't all the case at all, just another misunderstanding. Unfortunetly, after he took that stuff off, I didn't have a copy of it anymore, and there was no way it could've gotten reposted. I suppose with the internet archive dealie now it could be placed back on the site again, but it's really no big deal.

I dunno, not that I ever knew Joe all that well, but I think our relationship really started to degenerate as Blank Gen went on. I don't know how much truth there is to this, but someone suggested that the reason things soured between us is because my columns were just starting to get too much attention and he felt that the direction of Blank Gen was kinda being changed, ya know, he thought that control was being taken away from him and it all was just turning into a vechicle for my own personal ego enhancement. Again, I don't know how much, if any, truth there is to that theory but it makes sense. All I know is, within six month of the column I'm about post, he just outright banned another one of the columns I wrote. I also don't think he liked the direction of my Rip Off columns either, which were a darker, stupider version of my Blank Gen stuff, that prolly influenced the banning as well. Once the internet archive is back up, I'll post the banned column, which was essentially me commiting artistic suicide. Heh heh, that column was me addressing all my critics and telling them they were RIGHT.....

Anyway, that's not what yer getting right now, what you ARE getting is one of my most popular columns, the one that got me laid, the BEST FOOT FORWARD column:

........................

But anyway, getting to the fucking SUBJECT here. Lying, "best foot forward" theory. Girls, when you first meet us, you expect us put on a little show for you. You expect us to sing and dance and laugh and be merry and make like we are the greatest person to ever set foot on the face of the earth. You expect us to SELL ourselves, you expect a performance. You expect us to have our little routine DOWN PAT. Everyone knows this, when a guy is trying fuck a girl, at first he ALWAYS puts his "best foot forward". He tries to put on this big show trying to convince the girl that he is the best of everything.

It's a fairly well known thing, TV shows have made jokes about it, it's been in movies, so you know it's a real thing. I believe NBC's "Mad About You" had a bit about this, like when they first meet, Helen Hunt says to Paul Riser: "So when do I get to meet the real you?" And he says "Oh, you won't get to meet the real me for at least, like, six months." There've been a couple jokes on Seinfeld to about this, like Jerry talking about how he can fake being a decent human being for like at least three to six months.

Ya see, that's the point though, you expect us to put on this big, impressive ACT for you at first, you expect us sell ourselves as the greatest human being EVER, but the problem is, ITS JUST A FUCKING ACT. It has no relation to actual REALITY, it's doesn't reflect the person that you TRULY are on the inside. It's just a fucking dog and pony show with uhhhh, us being ummmmm, ya know, the ponies and dogs. Although, without that negative connotation that "dogs" has nowadays when talking about men.

It's an act, nothing more, nothing less. Fuck, how do you think date rapist type assholes operate? Obviously, they aren't good people, and yet, they can some/oftentimes fool girls into thinking otherwise. HOW? By deceiving women and lying to them. By using the whole "best foot forward" thing to their advantage. They got "the act" down cold. They come across as the slickest, coolest guy in the room. And it's ALL just bullshit; NONE of it's the truth at all.

Sadly, I've KNOWN guys like that (not as extreme as date rapist types, but almost), I've seen them in operation and it's just fucking DISGUSTING. I've seen their relationships with women and I was just appalled at how the WHOLE FUCKING THING was a lie. He didn't care about her; he wasn't in the slightest bit interested in her background or feelings, her hopes, her dreams. All he was interested in was fucking her and that was it. And I mean, it was just lie piled atop another lie, all bigger and higher, stretching on for as far as the eye could see. He kept the relationship going until he got bored with it, and then just lied to get out of it. Fuck, at one point he even said he loved her.....needless to say, he didn't.

Fuck, most serial killers operate on this same principle to (the better looking ones, at least). How do you think they lure their victims? By AT FIRST coming across as some ultra-great, stand up guy. They can fake that for a couple hours and then they get all stabby-stabby. If a guy, when you first meet him, if he comes across as just the greatest human being to ever set foot on the face of the earth, the answer to all your dreams, well then, guess WHAT? Ten times out of ten, if a guy comes across THAT well, if your first impression of him is THAT good, then he's just fucking LYING to you, out and out, bold faced LYING......

Actually, to, this whole "best foot forward" phenomenon is where the term "before the other shoe fell" comes from. Ya know, because if you put your BEST FOOT FORWARD, then EVENTUALLY that other SHOE is gonna have to, ya know, hit the FLOOR and uhhhh, catch up to the other one or whatever. Or at least I THINK that's where it came from, I dunno. The point is, you gotta be wary of slick guys, of "cool" guys. Remember, "cool" really only just means someone's emotionally detached. And if they're emotionally deTACHED, then who KNOWS what kind of horrible atrocities they're are capable of........

ANYway, where do "nice guys" fall on this spectrum? Well shit, "nice guys" suck just as badly as those "asshole guys" up there do. WHY? 'Cause they're just fucking liars as well, only they lie to themSELVES just as much as they do to you. The stereotypical "nice guy" is just a fucking schmuck. He lets women walk all over him and he mindlessly obeys their orders. He's a fucking DOORMAT. You can punch him in the face and shit in his sundae and he'll ALWAYS still come back, grinning for more. A nice guy is just a fucking GLUTTON for punishment. HE has low self-esteem, he doesn't believe he deserves any better treatment then that. Asshole guys are DOMINANT, "nice guys" are SUBMISSIVE personalities, and that's why BOTH attitudes are FUCKED. They're both just the flipside to the same fucking coin of bullshit and lies. Nice guys lie to themselves and assholes lie to EVERYone except themselves..........

So I hear you asking now, "If I can't be an asshole and I can't be a nice guy, then what option is there left for me?" Simple, ya just STOP fucking lying. When you first meet a girl, you don't have any rap, any act, you don't have any routine that do, you don't jump through any hoops. You don't play UP certain aspects of your personality, you don't play DOWN other parts of personality. You just BE fucking you. You have to BE just fucking HONEST and OPEN and maybe even a wee bit VULNERABLE..... But don't PRETEND to be vulnerable, just BE fucking YOU. Presenting yourself as the greatest human being to ever walk the earth is just blatantly WRONG, it's a lie and sooner or later she's gonna catch on.

Don't lie to girls, if you're physically attracted to them, TELL them that; don't pretend you "only wanna be friends". Don't get into a relationship with them if your only purpose is to fuck them. That type of thing is unconscionable. You DO know that you're gonna HURT someone if you do shit like that? To put all that time and effort into all of those lies just so you can fuck her once and then get bored and move on, WHAT THE FUCK? How do those types of people LIVE with themselves? I guess that's where the emotional detachment, the COOLNESS, comes in. They really DON'T give a fuck about ANYthing, especially people........

And girls, you have to STOP EXPECTING guys to lie to you. You have to stop expecting them to put on some little show for you, to frolic around and be all slick-like and say all the right bullshit at exactly the right time. You have to stop FALLING FOR THE LIES. The slicker a guy is, the cooler he comes off, the more you have to be on guard. If he knocks your socks or possibly PANTS off the first time you meet him, if you just "fall in love" off of that first impression, WELL THEN. he's lying to you, I guarantee. Like less then 0.001% of the time is the guy ACTUALLY as good as he puts forward during that first impression.

Ya gotta stop relying so heavily ON that first impression to judge people. I mean, how many times has there been a guy that you just thought was SOOOO great when you first met him, but then, a few weeks later, he turns out to be the biggest fucking asshole in the world? HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT HAPPENED TO YOU? Huh? Huh? EVERYtime? First impressions don't mean SHIT, and placing a lot of IMPORTANCE on them just leads to a fucking world of bullshit and lies and manipulation and all sorts of shit like that. I mean, just think about how patently ridiculous it is, you are deeming a guy "unworthy" just because ONE fucking time he didn't come up with twenty some minutes of small talk that was to your liking. How idiotic and shallow is that? How small-minded and not thinking of the future-ful is that? It's stupid.

By expecting guys to perform for you the first time you meet them, by judging them unworthy if they DON'T "dance" then you are just as bad as they are. You are just as much of an asshole and JUST as responsible for ALL of it. If guys couldn't get away with lying, if they couldn't still get LAID, then they'd just stop lying. You're contributing to the bullshit by letting assholes get away with being assholes, by being blind to their lies. It's your fault just as much as anybody else’s.........

Of course, don't get me wrong here, I'm talking about asshole guys and not date-rapist types (EXTREME asshole guys are date rapists, while extreme "nice guys" on the other hand are a uhhh, DIFFERENT kind of serial killer). What was my point? Oh yeah, don't get me wrong here, I am NOT saying it's a woman's fault if she gets raped.

I AM saying a girl is fifty percent to blame if she's in a relationship with some total fucktard that's just lying to her, preTENDing he's in love with her and then just dumping her once he gets bored... In that type of thing, YOU are just as much to blame as the guy...........

Ya want a HEALTHY relationship (and this goes out to girls AND guys, of whatEVER sexual preference)? Then just be fucking HONEST; don't place a lot of importance on superficial things. A relationship should be a slow, build your positive feelings for a person, just grow and grow. Ya know, don't automatically fall in love with a person based off of one performance, only to have your heart broken a few weeks later. And obviously, guys, if a chick is good looking, that doesn't mean she's a good PERSON. That doesn't mean she's worth any of your time or attention.

And also to, you can't "save" the crazy ones, so don't even try. You can't be a hero, NO ONE's a hero. No one acts out of noble purposes; no one REALLY "fights for what's right". People are motivated by fear and pain… They wanna try and AVOID as much pain as possible, so they just cave into the fear. Guys are afraid of being alone, so they do what they can to get a girl, even if that involves lying. Women are afraid of being alone as well, so they lie to THEMSELVES and pretend they don't recognize the asshole's lies.

Like I was saying earlier about "nice guys", most women in this society take on a PASSIVE role, part of which means lying to yourSELF. That in turn forces most GUYS to take on a DOMINANT role, which means lying to OTHER people. If we want things to EVEN OUT, if we want a healthy, happy world, we need to do away with these Dominant and Submissive roles and just BE fucking human beings.

Obviously though, it's more complicated then that, it's not like the passive never lie to other people, it's just that they lie MORE to themselves than they do to other people. Dominant people, yeah, they lie to themselves to whatever degree, but the majority of their lies are outward, to other people.

Ya wanna be a REAL rebel, a REAL revolutionary? Ya wanna do something that's new and valid and viable in today’s context? Ya wanna do something that will REALLY piss off all the right people? Ya want something that can REALLY change the world? Then stop fucking LYING, be honest, stop being domineering, stop being submissive....... Just fucking BE.................. That's the ONLY way things are gonna change.

Like I was saying in that "second level" column, THIS is where humanity is going, THIS type of thing is really the only unexplored territory we have left. Ya want revolution, THIS is fucking revolution. It's the biggest fucking change any of us could ever imagine.....

But anyway, I myself, I've actually TRIED doing some of this stuff, ya know, NOT lying, being myself, not putting on some grand show, and well, people don’ like it. Ya know, cause I don’ come across as slick (because I'm against that type of thing, and because I couldn't be slick even if I wanted to), and here I am just talking all this bullshit like I do, and I mean, it's just so much easier for most people to label me nutty then to actually take me seriously. They give into the fear/pain/laziness and just label me crazy, rather then take what I have to say SERIOUSLY and use that to evaluate/RE-evaluate themselves..... I mean, fuck it, none of what I have to say is all THAT original, it can't be THAT threatening. Even at my fucking BEST I'd say that my ideas are about maybe 1% genuinely "new". Although, in this day and age, 1% "new" is TOTAL fucking revolution. Now is the time where people are COMPETING to be as exactly the same as each other as possible. In THAT environment, being 1% new/different is an act of bold defiance.....

Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, even though 99% of what I say/espouse isn't even remotely "new", people still have a strong emotional reaction to it (because I'm telling the truth?), and feel the need to label me (or whoever's genuinely challenging people; although, I doubt I really EVER genuinely challenge people, so whatever) "insane" because that's MUCH easier then taking ANY of it seriously........

Of course, even NOW, I (emphasis on "I") am not even taking myself all that seriously. Most of the shit I write, it falls into some gray area where you wonder whether I'm really being serious or not. Kind of like a stand up comedian, but taken up a couple of notches. It's definitely the Andy Kaufman influence coming into play. His great artistic achievement was to always keep the people wondering. Wondering whether he was serious, whether he was joking, whether he was insane, whether he was dying, whether a certain joke was supposed to be funny or if it was supposed to NOT be funny. "Wait, should I laugh at this, or am I an idiot if I DO laugh at this?" He fucking FORCED people to analyze it ALL, he FORCED them to think..... He used the "fear" against them....

Anyway, hopefully, that's what I (emphasis on "I") also do, at my best. But like I said, I'm rarely EVER at my best, and in today's world, things are a fuckload more complicated, and it's MUCH harder to genuinely challenge people, and get them to analyze themselves. Forcing people to actually THINK when they don't want to is next to impossible.......

Fuck though, I'm SOOOOOO far off topic here, didn't I start out talking about "best foot forward" theory and making sitcom references? For most of my better columns though, this is generally how they turn out. I start off with some stupid bullshit, and slowly turn it into some pseudo-deep, moral/ethical/philosophical musing on WHATever that's ultimately AS big a load as the earlier stuff I was talking about.

But fuck, I'm the ultimate evolution of the rock critic, THIS is the exact type of shit Lester Bangs always wanted to write about, but never really did. He aspired to this type of shit, if he hadn't died so young, he might’ve made it. Of course though, he was a much better writer then I am, so there’s that. But fuck, "good writing" is ALSO being "slicK", good writing sells you shit you don't wanna buy. "Good writing" has for CENTURIES glorified the atrocities of war, romanticized it up into some great, noble endeavor. Shit, like I said, NOTHING's "noble", no one actually DOES something because "it's the right thing to do".

"Good writing" lies to you like that, it pushes the concept that some things ARE indeed noble or glorious, or glamorous or whatEVER. That's why it's wrong. "Good" writers are salesmen, and all they sell you are lies. That is why I am NOT a "good writer", I have a MILLION fucking ideas in a MILLION different directions and yet I strive to NOT sell you on any single one of them. A better writer could probably shape some kind of bullshit RELIGION out of the ideas I've relayed via these columns. But no, I've done no such thing; I'm no salesman.

And THAT's what makes ANY of what I have to say valid. That's also what makes me a "failure" by most people's standards. In a capitalist society, the only gods are salesmen. Of course, in THIS society, the ONLY truly sane choice is to be a "failure"......

But whatever, this column's long enough now, I can stop rambling....

MORAL OF THE STORY: I really just pull these columns RIGHT out of my ass, don't I?