Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The End of the End

So this was the last column I ever wrote for Blank Gen. It actually never RAN on the site because Joe Domino rejected it. I tried to explain and justify the column with some lengthy email(the only kind I know) that has thankfully been lost to the winds of time.

Anyway, a few weeks later the column ran on the Rip Off Records site. Surprise surprise, once again, there was a lot of controversy and a lot of debate surrounding the column(I believe the offical Rip Off take on the dispute was that it was a "classic feud"). In retrospect, it's very annoying, even when I DON'T set out to be all "provocative", my shit still gets that same reaction. Actually, I think that's one of the main reasons I started ACTIVELY trying to piss off people all those years ago. Ya know, I was gonna irritate them no matter what I did, so why not take control of it? I wanted to own my self distructive annoying-ness(heh heh).

I think I mentioned this in one of the other blog posts, but what I still don't get is: why? Why does any of this shit have to be such a big deal? I can more than understand if something I write is just plain BORING, that's bound to happen, but what I don't get is why I always, and I mean ALWAYS provoke these powerful, emotional reactions out of people. I'm never JUST an idiot or JUST an asshole or just whatEVER. People always go on, at length, about my collosal(sp?) shortcomings. Of course, there's the positive stuff as well, but hey, I'm fueled off the negative end, just like any sane person, THATS the type of stuff I pay attention to.

But fuck, hey, I guess that's the point, their negativity puts me on the defensive, it makes me uncomfortable and anxietious, and when I'm in that mood I produce my best writing. I maybe need a constant flow of naysayers to rally against, I have to prove to them, time and time again, that I AM a worthy human being; and in the process of proving it to THEM, I prove it to myself as well. Yay for dime-store psycho analysis.

But eeeeeh, I'm just rambling right now, and there'll be more than enough of that in the column that follows. Ummmm, my shortened defense for the column is that it's a lot like "My Dinner With Andre", if you can get past the first part, you'll really like the second half. Or not, whatever.... I dunno, this column prolly combines both the best and the worst of my Blank Gen stuff. The first half is me killing off my "Blank Gen Persona" and the second half is me building it back up again.

Either way, it was the last thing I wrote for either Blank Gen or Rip Off. Why was this? Well, first of all, everybody was bailing out on Blank Gen at the time. Not that I'm a "rat from a sinking ship" type, in fact if you count it in pure bulk tonage, I contributed more to Blank Gen than anyone barring Joe, but well, the writing was on the wall. In all likely-hood, Blank Gen was gonna be ending soon. Joe was stepping away from most of his editorial duties, the zine was going on the backburner for him. His musical tastes had also changed/refined somewhat, and he started to vere away from the standard Blank Gen stuff. The zine started as his baby, but as things progressed different voices came to prominence, different camps with different directions started to emerge. There was the core group that went on to do Terminal Boredom, and there was Joe with his tastes, his direction, there was Shawn Abnoxious and there was fucking ME, with my lack of direction.

Hell, when Terminal Boredom started up, there were a good number of people that thought I should write for 'em(most notably Cardwell), but my shit isn't really compatable with their focus. I'm off in my own weird fucking world here and they don't need this bullshit clogging up their page. Most of the time, I DON'T write about music, and I prolly would end up clashing with any editor that I'd have. I got my own thing going on and if I wanna continue fucking doing it at some kind of semi-prominent level, I just need to start my own fucking site. Ya know, at my best/worst, my shit isn't something you can cram into another zine, it is it's OWN stand alone zine.....

Or something, just read the fucking column already(I didn't do any proof reading)

"The Best Lack all Conviction"

-by Clint R. Parson(the "R" stands for "Rarely Uncontrovercial")

Ya know, a lot of people've been saying lately that I've lost my edge. That my columns aren't what they used to be. That my "genius spark" has seemingly sparked out. They ask me "What happened to all your brilliant and hilarious social theories?" "Why don't you write any insightful columns about chicks anymore?". They say that I've run out of ideas, that I'm just coasting on past acheivements. They say I'm now like "End of the Century" era Ramones. And not just readers of this column, people that knew me before all of this, people I corresponded with via email, even THEY are wondering what happened to that mad, passionate genius that used to flow so easily and effortlessly. Night after night, email after email, I'd somehow be able to write ten pages worth of completely life changing, perception altering, reVOLUTIONary spiel. But not anymore, they say, not anymore. Nowadays they say that I'm just a pale shadow of what I used to be, a self parody, my own personal Spinal Tap. They say I've "lost" "it"............In this column, I intend to prove them wrong. Yes, I intend on proving that I never had "it" to begin with.

Sure, I had some funny ideas in those first bunch of columns, stuff that people hadn't heard before, but you've gotta realize that most of that crap was just backlog, it was rewritten, extended versions of things I had said to people in emails(and other places), stuff that had been floating around for years. Eventually, after I had written enough of these columns, I ran OUT of that old material, and I had to come up with NEW stuff. And well, obviously, so far, I've FAILED at really coming up with any new, clever, hilarious social theories. My last Blank Gen column just basically felt like a complete rip off of an older column. I'm SURE I've made fun of Biafra and Bad Religion SOMEwhere before, I dunno.

For a few months I was able to bullshit my way through things, that's where the whole "Grand Theory of Engagement" came from. Just a stupid, half formed idea that well, I BULLSHITTED my way through. In all those early columns I felt such a need to build up the "legend of Clint", to make myself look so great and brilliant, but now, now that a decent amount of people have bought INto it, I'm finding that they actually exPECT me to BE all brilliant like, to continue on with all the funny stuff from before.

In the early days, writing these columns was simple, I'd have three or four possible subjects in my head, any of which I could've turned into a decent rant on whatever, but in the couple of months, I've started to run out of subjects. And this last month in specific, the well has run pretty fucking dry. What the FUCK was that "kill all nerds" thing about, anyway? Before these fuckers used to be filled with pain and rage and bitter resentment, but well, now, I've gotten less resentful lately, my grand overwhelming anger at EVERYthing seems to be burning off somewhat. I'm actually GETTING a decent amount of reconition from all of this, people know who I AM, and well, the hate is ebbing. I hate to say it, but the "core" of my writing ability, my "talent" is slowly fading away. I don't know what to do, every new column is getting a little bit worse then the last and I have my doubts as to much longer I can go on with this. I always said I'd never burn out, but who thought I'd just fade away?

I remember a time when I was pissed off during the writing of these things, when I felt each and every line, when it ALL meant "so much" to me. But no, not any more. I'm happier now, more content, more secure and it's just destroying everything that ever made me interesting. I'm not even really all that "misunderstood" anymore, people generally seem to understand what I'm doing, they don't get all angry and pissed off at me. I'm probably the happiest I've ever BEEN in my life and I fucking HATE IT, I can't STAND it.

I don't know, there's the temptation of trying to go back, to try and repeat myself. I could write another column about chicks, some complex and goofy theory about them, but what does even matter any more? Those columns were mainly just the result of my inability to get laid, the result of me trying to figure out WHY I couldn't get me a piece. Now though I realize WHY exactly I can't get laid and the reason is far simpler and stupider than I thought. I can't get none because I'm a fat ass, plain and simple. Sure, I'm more intellegent then your average person, sure I can easily PROVE that, but it doesn't matter, it's just ALL about me being overweight. If I was me and I had my same personality and all the sudden I looked like Brad Pitt, I'd be fucking GOD, people'd worship at my feet, they'd LIVE my ideas as GOSPEL. But no, since I'm ME, and I look like I DO, I am stuck where I am.

Disgustingly, I've come to accept this, it's not even something I get upset about anymore. On a mental/intellectual level, I can easily out class any of those fuck-rods, fuck-rods that seemingly can get chicks fairly easily. Ya know, and if they can get a piece SOOOO easily when they're SOOOO dumb, then OBVIOUSLY, it has to be about looks.

There've been countless times, especially lately, where I've been talking to a girl and I just KNEW that if I were skinnier, then she'd DEFINETLY be my girlfriend. Before, when I'd get rejected, I'd assume that my personality wasn't good enough, that I just didn't "stack up" in that capacity. Now though I intrinsically understand that that has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANY of it. But whatever, I'm really far past the point of caring about that crap now.

Fuck, when I take another look at ALL my wacky social theories, they ALL just seem to be an excuse, a justification, an attempted explanation of WHY I couldn't get none. Those were explanations that didn't need to be uhhhh explained. A person doesn't need these long, thought out, complex theories to explain it all, all they need is just simple, shallow vapid-hood(long "a").

More and more lately I've just unequivicably arrived at the conclusion that persoNALITY wise, I'm head and shoulders above most people, and that obviously, my problems can not lie there. But whatever, I dunno.................... Shit, even this column itself is seeming to run out of steam. Will this be it? Will this be my last column ever? After these next few sentences will I NEVER write another column, be it for Rip Off, Blank or whoEVER? No, I can't let that happen, even if all I AM anymore is a pale, faded self parody, I STILL have to go on, I still have to play this game. I have to keep on pounding out uninspired mediocra in the hope that it will gain me some larger scale reconition. Maybe one day soon, if I keep up the suck, the bland, personality-less ASS, one of the "big" zines like MRR or Hitlist will read my stuff and decide to bring me on. Yeah, so what if I don't have anything left to offer anymore, MRR doesn't have anything to offer, I'm SURE I'll fit in there.

But no, I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen and I CAN'T let that happen. I will NOT go quetly into the night, I WILL get pissed off and en-rage-ed about SOMEthing again, I will FIND a new direction, I will BREAK new ground, I will talk about shit and unveil ideas NO one's ever heard of before. Hell, I might even write a column about rock'n'roll or something(heaven forbid). I can't let myself wallow in the past, I need to change with the times, I need to roll with the new, I need to reinvent myself. The old shit I used to talk about, it's already been devoured, assimilated into the beast. If I TRULY wanna stay on the cutting edge, I now have to push things even further. My old columns were "The Simpsons" at THEIR peak,,, my NEW columns have to be "DUCKman" at IT's peak.

I HAVE to be smarter, I HAVE to try harder, I've got to be BETTER, just fucking BETTER. And I'll start with that now by ummmmmm, uhhhhhhh, lemme think, uhhhhhhh, what's the deal with breeze anyways? How come when it's cold outside and there's wind it's called "wind", but when it's WARM outside and there's wind it's called "breeze"? Why is wind so bad and breeze so good? What did wind ever do to you? Hmmmmmm, okay, so maybe that's not exactly "genuis" but uhhhhhh, well, I GUESS I COULD reinvent myself as a horrible stand up comedian(aren't I that alREADY?), that'd MAYBE be a new direction. I don know, it'd be really hard though to translate things into written form, because I imagine I'd be using a lot of props(prop comics of course occupying the LOWEST wrung of the comedy ladder, along with vantriliquists and comedy magicians{but that doesn't include the Amazing Jonathan, that guy's fucking HILARIOUS}). Oh shit, I just abused ye old "parenthetical aside" there, I haven't done THAT in ages, I must REALLY be running out of material.

Hmmmm, maybe I could start talking about more topical stuff. What's in the news? Uhhhhhh, have you seen all this jazz with the priests and the alter boys lately? It's almost like molesting children is something that christians fully and whole heartedly approve of........... Aaaaaaah, maybe I DO have something here with my horrible stand up comedian act..........No, wait, I KNOW I've still got it in me to be pissed off about SOMEthing. Theoretically, I have to have SOME real opinions left, something that gets me pissed off, something that I feel passionate about. I can't be SOOOO totally cynical that I just have this sociopathic "non-care-ance" for all things. I am not empty inside, I still have a soul........ Er well, I GUESS I still do.

It's not so much that I don't have any strong opinions anymore, it's more that I see a lot of different angles on subjects. I don't just hold ONE opinion on a topic to the exclusion of all others, I try and see ALL the differing viewpoints, all the different angles and contexts from which people are coming from. I try and see ALL those things and more so, I try and UNDERSTAND why people hold those viewpoints. Sure, in some cases I myself may hold a strong opinion on whatever topic, but even THEN, I try to understand where I mySELF am coming from, I try and figure out what in my OWN background is making me HOLD that opinion. Ya know, because well, the opinions you hold, the uhhhh "causes" you care about, you only CARE about them, they only make you FEEL because they play on your own personal damage. Your fucked-up-ed-ness dictates pretty much ALL THAT YOU ARE TO(double emphasis on "TO") YOU.

So that's why I have trouble strongly believing in any of the topics I strongly BELIEVE in, because I KNOW that I only CARE about those topics because they appeal to some sick, deep down, dark part of my psyche. I mean, I don't think I believe in ANYthing 100%, I'm ALWAYS, by nature, looking for flaws in things, trying to identify the cracks in whatEVER sysyem and either repair them or well, "destroy" the old system. No system of thought, no philosophy, no religion is perfect, and yet pretty much ALL of them like to present themselves as the all knowing, all seeing, all being answer to EVERYTHING. It's laughable. They market themselves as the end all, be all, they basically SAY to people "You don't need to think any more, we've got it all figured out, do as we say", even though, usually, the flaws are pretty damn easy to point out. Any philosophy that is even reMOTELY true should be able to freely and openly adMIT that it could SOOOO easily be wrong about ALL the things it's talking about. It can't present itself as "the conclusion" to all thought, it instead needs to acknowledge that AT BEST it is MAYbe just helping adVANCE human thought a little bit.

So yeah, THAT's why more and more lately I've been having trouble subscribing to any theory, any dogma, whether it be political or spiritual or whatEVER. I don't fully supPORT any of that crap because they all(pretty much) present themselves as "perfect", and would never EVER openly and honestly talk about all the flaws and contradictions and oversimplifications inherent in their theories. Like I said, they are unable to admit that they are wrong, they are convinced that they are "right" and THAT it what prevents them from ever really being effective. Being wholly convinced about ANY complex philosophy is just fucking bullshit, NONE of them know the whole story, ALL of them have flaws, and VERY few of them ever adVANCE their thought beyond the initual, early crap that they come up with. They just pound that old, dead rhetoric into the ground pretending that it's gonna change the world and solve ALL ills, completely ignorant of that fact that their GRAND philosophy has pretty much already GOTTEN it's chance to solve all problems, it "got it's chance" and it FAILED. WHY? Because while it might be correct on SEVERAL issues, there's still a WHOLE lot more that it doesn't even touch on. Problems or contradictions that it's completely ignorant of, problems and contradicitions that completely inVALIDATE everything that they have to say.

Get this, humanity, life, it's too fucking comPLEX to be fully explained by some say 500 page book(ala the bible), it'd take a fucking 50 billion page book to even BEGIN to REALLY understand all the nuiance-ed complexities of EVERY-fucking-thing. And guess what? We people living today, beCAUSE of our grand ignorance, beCAUSE of our even GRANDER ARROgance, we don't have the slightest fucking clue about ANYthing. Moreso, we don't even have the pure, raw CAPACITY to REALLY understand things. We're all dumbfucks, full of contradiction, ignorance, arrogance. A bunch of fucking monkeys held inslaved by their own mental problems.

Contradiction, gaps, flaws, that's all we are, and of course the greatest(and worst) ability man ever developed was the ability to ignore his own contradictions. We all think we're great, we truly believe that we've got it "all figured out", but we don't have the slightest fucking clue. We're wrong, you're wrong, I'M fucking wrong, this whole column is bullshit, over simplified ass designed to make me look like I'm a "genuis", to make me look like I'm better and smarter then everyone else. It's all just ego, masturbation, a frustrated loser raging against his own ineffectual impotence. As it's lived today,.all of life is just a game, a cruel manipulation aimed at keeping us all in the dark for as long as possible. Just shut up, do as we say and stop thinking, we have the conclusion, buy our bullshit and you'll be happy. It's all lies, there are no conclusions, there is no end point that we could arrive at. For NOW, the best we can do is just keep on moving fucking FORWARD, FORWARD, FOR-FUCKING-WARD(excla-fucking-fucking-mation point)

Long story short:Obviously, the "edge' is back. Cower in fear, mother fucker...............

Hey, I kinda predicted the advent of Neil Hamburger in this column, sweet.....