Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Commentary About Cutters

AGAIN, good stuff from 2 years ago. How come none of this type-a crap ever got me laid? I have such a huge backlog of material and tons of people read that stuff back then. Did it never strike a chord with ANYone? I know that's not the case. What exactly was the working mechanism most of them were using back then that told them I was not fit to interact with(i.e."do it with")? I mean, I clearly proved myself on very many occasions. I'm far more capable of intimacy than the bulk of human beings out there. Why was ALL of this "not enough", when it's easily demonstratable that it's a lot more than most people have to offer? How many rings do I have to fucking jump through? Why can't people understand that in these complex times, intellect, humor & sensitivity are far more integral to survival than the ability to climb a sheer rock-face? Why is it never enough?

So there was a special earlier tonight on the Discovery Channel about cutters. It said that one out of every ten people ages 12-23 were self-mutilators, with 80% of that number being female. That means that 16% of all young women in this country engage in that type of thing. Also, the numbers of people doing this has been steadily rising for the last ten years.

As I was watching the special, I was struck with a thought, "I wonder how many people I know do this type of thing?" I mean, let's face it, the punk scene is basically a dumping ground for disfunctional people and with the number of cutters being that high, there has to be a significant number of them floating 'round here. I'm sure there'll probably even be a couple that read this post of mine.

Cutting is like masturbation was fifty years ago, i.e.a lot of people do it, but NO ONE talks about it. It's the new way people, the new way GIRLS are being self destructive. Sleeping around isn't good enough any more; beer, pot, that doesn't get the job done. They need something more, a better distraction.

I don't know, technically I understand the self-mutilation thing, it's about being out of control, and wanting to establish SOME kind of control. It's about being in so much emotional pain and wanting to have some kind of physical wound that would show just how serious it was, something to make it all "real". "Look, I felt so bad that I had to cut myself. See, this isn't just all in my imagination." Ya know, and again, it's a distraction, because that PHYSICAL pain makes you not dwell on the emotional stuff for a little while.

Technically I understand it, but emotionally, I don't know. It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess my own self-destructive tendancies usually manifested themselves in different ways. Man, thinking back to when I was 19, things just all seemed so dire. I really was in a lot of hurting, and a good amount OF my time was spent on weaving myself into situations that would cause me more pain. I was as bent on personal annihilation as anyone, but I just went about it in different ways.

My self-destructiveness was exercised by basically just playing things too fast and loose. I just threw all caution and self-restraint out the window. I told myself it was an artful thing, but it was more about just making myself feel like shit. It was about words, I distroyed myself with something a lot more subtle than bullets or methadrine. I always have had some ability effect people with words. I can create a "character", portray it, and have people believe that I AM that thing I pretend to be. I can manipulate details and situations and get things to look pretty much how ever I want them to. Most people do that, although, the difference with them is that they'd deluded themselves into actually BELIEVING that they are the character they portray.

Back then, I'd have arguments with people and I'd get frustrated that things weren't being resolved; and I'd get bored with the typicality of it all, so basically, a lot of times, I'd just have fun with the situation. I'd pretend to "fly off the handle" and "rip 'em a new one". I'd just savagely tell them off without even remotely meaning it.

Ya know, and I thought people would understand that I was just fucking around; I thought that they'd see how I was satirizing the ridiculous-ness of the whole argument. I thought they'd get it, but time and time again, they wouldn't. I didn't know why at the time, but it makes sense now.

They thought it was all real partially because I'm a decent enough writer to make it SEEM kind of real AND, even more importantly, because most of the people I was interacting with had a very strong need to BELIEVE that I, or whomever they were having a problem with, were some kind of nigh inhuman monster.

See, my self-destructive tendancies involved painting myself to look like an asshole(amung other things), but THEIR SDT's entailed them getting into all these awful drama's with one another and genuinly convincing themselves that the other person was a horrible, deeply deranged individual.

My "game" of pretending to be an asshole or crazy or whatever played into their own damage perfectly; and by "perfect"-ly, I mean it was the PERFECT way to make me as miserable as possible. I was using my abilities to inflict as much pain on myself as I possibly could. I NEEDED to be hated, and the only way they'd hate me is if I was crazy, so I made myself appear crazy.

I must 've done a pretty good job of it to, because I think there are still a few people out there that genuinly believe I'm deranged or something like that. They were in hell, I was in hell, and together, we worked towards maintaining our agony.

But getting back to what I started this post about, I guess I don't understand cutting because it's just so blunt; it's such a totally blatent form of self-destruction. It doesn't make sense to me because I like to fuck myself up in much more complcated ways. I like making myself miserable through intellegent, complex, obscure means. I mean, telling "jokes" that no one gets might seem fairly innocuous(sp?), but in my hands, it was transformed into a very potent tool for implosion.

Still though, all this pain, the stuff the cutters are going through, the stuff I was going through, the stuff YOU are going through, it's all about one thing. That thing is alienation. It's about feeling alone, that no one understands you. That you don't have anyone to talk to. And it doesn't matter if you have a lot of friends, you can still be the loneliest person in the world if you don't ever converse with them about anything meaningful, if you never tell them what's going on inside of you.

So many people; in fact, probably about 90% of the people reading this, just feel so alone and the only thing I can tell you all is that you're NOT, not by a long shot. Everyone else here is going through essentially the exact same thing you are. Most of them aren't gonna be able to admit to it, but it's by far the main thing that created this community.

The punk scene IS a dumping ground for the disfunctional, but things aren't so bad as they seem. That's because punk rock is ALSO one of the most potent forces for the REHABILITATION of the disfunctional. You come here beaten and broken, but you leave amazingly strong. Your family probably failed you in one way or another, but we won't, we're yer new family.

Punk is crazy people working in conjunction with other crazy people and SOMEhow, at the end of the day, we magically manage to come out HEALTHIER. We HEAL........ None of the other sub-cultures have much of this ability. Hippies, potheads, jocks, churchies, none of them are as transformed and IMPOWERED as punks are.

Salvation, rehabilitation, we're better at it than anyone.

Yer not alone; if you're there at the shows, if you're here reading this even, you're a part of it, you belong. Gabba Gabba, we accept you, one of us. It's okay, you don't have to pretend that you're not in pain. You can talk to us about it; that's the only way it's gonna get better. We know you, I know you, so there's no point in lying. We're all going through the same things.