Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Can't Get Laid Manifesto

Part 4:The Best One So Far:Really Hitting the Nail on the Head

From September 5th, 2001(gee, what happened less than a week after I wrote this stuff). Also, this was a double column, but I cut out all of the second column. It was just some bullshit about a riot amungst some crusty kids and it wasn't very well written. I dunno, Maybe I'll re-write it and post it at some later date.


"There are no chicks that wanna fuck me."
-The Young Losers

So the other day I was crunching the numbers, going through the whole rigmarole of "existential figuring out-ness-itude." Ya see, 'cause after my grand "comic book geeks" manifesto, I was left with a question; one nagging, burning, oozing, should I get a DOCTOR to look at this question. My query was, of course, what makes one a loser? What is the purest expression of loser-dom?

"Hmmmmm", I thought to myself, what could it be? What one quality, above and beyond all others, pegs one as a…uhhhh, "staying home alone on a Friday night" type person? DOES this mystery attribute (or lack there of) exist, or is it just the product of some fevered and/or diseased mind (i.e. MY mind). Is it just some deranged flight of fancy that never quite got off the ground and truthfully, wasn't all that "fancy" either? Was it just the…uhhhh, uhhh...wait...sorry, I kinda got lost there for a second in an extended metaphor.

Still though, the question remains, and I aim to figure it out. I've devoted several hours of thought to the subject (that's a lie and we both know it) and I DO believe I've now found the answer. Ya see, the ONE thing above all others, the one quality that TRULY and undeniably makes one a Loser (capital "L") is THE INABILITY TO GET LAID (excla-fucking-mation point).

Can't get your boat a floated? Has the salami been in plain sight (i.e. not HIDDDEN) for YEARS? Has your euphemism for sexual intercourse not been uhhhhh, somethinged? Well then, my friend, you are unequivocally a lou-sir. Yes, welcome to the "pain house" of evil-ness (and PAIN), we've been saving a seat for you, a seat of PAIN.

Yes, my brothers & sisters, the non-laid are the true deviants, the true outcasts. The people whom society spits upon… They are the ones that are really and truly socially unacceptable. They live a pure and hopeless existance. A life in which they KNOW things'll never get better.. They have accepted their fate.

Now SURE, there are several other contributing factors to loserdom, like say, being short; poor; ugly; being too stupid, or conversely, not being stupid ENOUGH; but REALLY, taking it all into account, the whole "no lay-age" thing is by far the main load bearing wall holding UP that whole black lodge (yay, a latter era Anthrax reference, and I'm damn proud of myself for making it.).

That brings up another point though, being "action-less" is not just a CAUSE of loser-hood, but a SYPTOM of it as well. Yeah, it's THE doubled-edged sword of all double-edged swords. It's the catch 22 that's so fucking catchy that it's…uhhhhh, REALLY catchy. Ya see, yer a loser because you can't get laid, and you can't get no action because you're a fucking LOSER who can't get laid because yer fucking a fucking loser who can't get fucked because you are a…(and so on).

Anyway though, you'll have to forgive me; my rantitude is kinda getting away from me here. I just bought me up a bunch a Bill Hick's albums (and various other assorted comedians). He must be rubbing off on me. Do me a favor, if I start talking about my LSD experiences, some one hit me.

Back to the point, though, the inability to attract the opposite sex is really a key…uhhhh, thingamajob. It is evolution itself saying to you that it doesn't want your various DNA strands to continue on in this world. Mother Nature herself is saying to you in no uncertain terms that it doesn’t want anymore people like you walkin' 'roun', taking up space. The WORLD is against you; you ARE a loser.

But wait, despite all the hopelessness, there IS hope (wait a minute). Because the "un-fuck-ed" are SUCH outcasts, since they are SO shat upon, these people kind of develop a "purity", if you will. Just by going on, just by existing day after day, year after year, they are committing a great act of rebellion. Not being able to get laid is simultaneously the most invalidating and VALIDATING quality in the world. Think about it, in a fucked world, the only ones that AREN'T fucked up are those that don't get FUCKED. In a kooky, crazy asylum world, the INMATES are the only ones that are sane. The non-hump-ed's are the charismatic, full of life Jack Nicolson's to the rest of the world's stony, cold, conformist Nurse Rachett's. Guess what though? They "no sex"-es ain't gonna be allowing anybody to lobotomize them.

Those that can't get laid know the REAL truth, they don't lie, and they’re jacked straight into reality. No one kisses their asses, no one brown noses, no one lies to them. What on EARTH would be the point? Surely, they're not worth the effort. There's nothing to GAIN from a friendship with this person, no increased social status, no money, no nothing. THAT'S the attitude most people have towards the no-humpies. The unfucked get to see people for what they TRULY are. All artifice, all pretense is stripped away; they get to see who people actually are, as opposed to what they PRETEND to be.

The sexless posses a power, a purity that either drives them mad or turns them into some nigh god-like creature. Think about it. When monks want to achieve enlightenment, WHAT do they do? They take a vow of celibacy. They've known for CENTURIES about the power that inherently comes with massive sexual frustration. They've known about it and used it to their benefit. On the television show Seinfeld, George couldn’t fuck his girlfriend for a couple of weeks because she had mono. No sexy for Georgie… WHAT happened? His mind adapted to it, sex was no longer a possibility, so the portion of his brain DEVOTED to that (i.e. the vast majority) simply STOPPED focusing on humping. This re-alignment served to sharpen George's mental acumen to razor fine, nigh GENIUS levels.

Of course, as I said, it's not always a positive thing. Some catholic priests can't handle the whole celibacy thing and…uh, you know, alter boys and stuff. Like I said, you are either transformed into a godlike entity, or you go MAD, OR maybe a little of both. I don't know; it's hard to say. All’s I can say for sure is that something’ll happen, something "big" probably, and ultimately it's up to the individual person to either make the best or worst of it.

Where though do I (emphasis on "I") stand in all of this? Be fucked if I know, everyday I see those that are obviously inferior to me succeeding with female kind. Idiots and morons, every last one of them, and yet, they ARE succeeding. Of course, their "mates" are just as sub-mediocre as they themselves are, but that does little to sway my resentment towards them. A million morons with their million moron girlfriends, I could be their king and yet, they look upon me as their inferior. HOW DARE THEY (exclamation point).

Moral of the Story: Obviously, I can't get laid…

MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Well, since this is a double column I guess I should do something big-ish for the "MOVIE..." section. Uhhhhh, how about a top five list?

Clint's all time top five favorite movies:

1."Man Bites Dog"
2."Crumb"
3."Schizopolis"
4."Safe"
5. ...any number of movies could fit in here, any of your more well done slacker movie ("Clerks", "Surburbia"[1996], "Happiness" maybe, a lot of stuff…).

Anyway, if yer gonna watch of these in one sitting (as I'm sure all my die-hard fans will), I suggest you start at number five and work your way up the list. Start with like "Happiness", then move into "Safe" with Julian Moore (she actually IS quite the good actress), into the ultra-complex, ultra-confusing Steven Soderburg ("Traffic", "Sex, Lies and Videotape", "Erin Brockovich") directed "Schizopolis." From there you can move into the creepy and brilliant "Crumb" about comic book artist R. Crumb, and from there you'd wrap it all up with the French film "Man Bites Dog", perhaps the most disturbing movie ever made, this movie'll play you like a violin. Wait, violins are hard to play…uhhhh, it'll play you like a CD in a…uhhhh, CD player, YEAH, it'll play you like that. Anyway, I won't actually TELL you anymore about any of those movies, because that'd ruin it for you. Just rent 'em up and watch 'em all in the specific order I laid out and by the end you'll be a changed person (or not)…

RECORDS OF THE WEEK: The "Nuggets volume TWO" box set from Rhino. This time they've gone international. If you've got sixty-some bucks to blow, this is DEFINETLY the way to go. Also, the aforementioned Bill Hicks (comedian guy, died a cancer) albums are all good ("Rants in E Minor", "Dangerous", other ones I remember the names of right now). Actually, speaking of stand up, you should definitely check out anything you can find by Robert Schimmel. This guy's one of the FEW people that are actually able to breath some life into the…uhhh, life-less corpse that is stand up comedy in the 00's. Uhhhhh…OBVIOUSLY, buy the fucking Radio Birdman reissue on Sub Pop.

RECORD LABEL OF THE WEEK: Big Neck Records outta Reston Virginia. They've put out stuff by the Lost Sounds, the Blow Tops, the Mistreaters, and a ton of other great bands. Anyway, I'm sure you've already heard of them (I know I've MENTIONED Big Neck a couple of times in this column), and MAINLY I'm just including them here because the other day I tried to order some Big Neck stuff through a local record store, the COOLEST record store in town (that's not saying much/anything), and they came back to me and said they COULDN'T order any of it, that it wasn't available through their distributors. Fucking LAME ASS RECORD STORE!

UNDERRATED CHEESY 70'S HIT SONG OF THE WEEK: "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult

MY NEW EMAIL ADDRESS OF THE WEEK: crparson@hotmail.com Direct all fan letter and hate mail to this address.

BANDS IN DETROIT THAT ARE BETTER THEN THE WHITE STRIPES OF THE WEEK: The White Stripes are from Detroit, the White Stripes are a good band, but somewhat overrated. Here's a short list of bands from their own HOMETOWN that are better then they are: The Piranhas, the Dirtbombs, Bantam Rooster… ALL are also from Detroit and ALL are better then the White Stripes. And fuck, Bantam Rooster's even a two-piece just like White Stripes…

DVD PURCHASE OF THE WEEK: Two new ECW DVDs "Hardcore History" and "Heat Wave '98." It’s fucking EC dub, do I need to say anything more here?

NEW FOOD TYPE ITEM I AM CURRENTLY ADDICTED TO OF THE WEEK: Them damn energy drinks. They cost two bucks each, you only get 8.3 ounces (normal soda can is 12 ounces), but for SOME fucking reason, I can't stop buying them. I honestly DO think there's something addictive in them...

SAD BUT TRUE REALIZATION ABOUT RECENT NATIONAL SCANDAL OF THE WEEK: Regardless of whether Garry Condit DID anything TO her or not, just the fact that Shondra Levy's been missing for so long now means that she probably IS dead. Ya know, and I can laugh at mindless violence, but a dead person is sad no matter what. Unless it was a bad person that was dead, then it'd be a happy thing. Remember the parties people had when Reagen died? Those were some fun times...

GOODBYE OF THE WEEK: Later..............