Wednesday, July 13, 2005

As close as I'll ever come to being tortured

So this is my memoir of the all night sleep study I had to do back then when they were trying to figure out if I had sleep apnea or not. In all honesty, I probably DO have it, but the machine thingie didn't help at all with it(and YEAH, I never did get used to it). Ummm, in all likelyhood I prolly have like two different sleeping problems, the sleep apnea with porphyria on top of it. Not to over simplify, but one keeps me from falling asleep and the other wakes me back up once I've fallen asleep. As for the references to my imminent(sp?) death, I should say that the sleep specialist said I was gonna need surgery within five years or I was gonna die. He, of course, was full of shit. Within a few months of all this, he had washed his hands of me, saying there was nothing more he could do to help me. Basically, he did absolutely nothing besides prescribe me a sleep medication that I might be allergic to. Yay, way-ta deal with a complicated, non-obvious case.

Anyway, I still have serious trouble sleeping all the time, but it's better than it used to be. The visit to the specialist was spurred on by a six month stretch of sleeping only two hours a night. That sucked.

Another thing that really needs to be mentioned is the fact that RIGHT BEFORE I went in to do this sleep study, literally, right before, minutes before, a close friend of mine had told me she was gonna kill herself within the next week. A big part of what made that whole experience so shitty was the fact that I was just freaking out about that stuff. I was trying not to cry or hyper-ventilate during the testing and it was just fucking terrible. I would've rather been any other place then there doing that sleep study at that moment.

Also, this all happened the night before the accident at my house. I wrote this in the afternoon and the tragedy happened at 10PM that night. Fucking hell was that a bad patch to go through.

Anyway, here's the "memoir":
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Okay, so close your mouth...

Take a deep breath in through your nose and then release it...

Repeat this for 8 hours solid...

Do not move while you are doing this...

Strap a piece of machinery on your nose that forces a constant stream of air down your throat, and sometimes into your eye socket if the seal isn't quite right...

Listen in grand annoyance as your warm breath hits the cool mask, and water condenses, pooling at the bottom and making a bong type sound every SINGLE time you breath in and out...

Try to sleep while doing all of this...

Ponder the fact that you are 24 and this what you will have go through every night if you want to live to your mid 30's...

Dread the fact that if you CAN'T get used to all of this, you'll be lucky to last five years...

Further dread the fact that the machinery is so awkward and uncomfortable that you probably WON'T be able to get used to it....

Spend all those 8 hours deeply reflecting upon yourself, after you've already spent like 5 hours earlier that day doing the same thing....

Reconize the semi-tragic irony that you are barely into your mid-20's and already you are having to come to terms with the prospect that yer gonna die a NATURAL death before too long...

Stop yourself from near hyperventilation about three dozen times during those 8 hours because you really can't breath properly while wearing that fucker....

Spend approximately one hour of that night writing this post in your head...

Spend some time trying to figure out why your best friend(FORMER best friend) doesn't like you anymore...

Spend some more time trying to figure out why certain people that say they care about you, act like they don't give a fuck at all...

Spend even more time thinking some of the most stupid, desparate, crazy thoughts you've ever come up with, and then wonder if they'd work as lines to pick up chicks....

Surrender to dispair.....

Then fight it off again, kicking it squarely in the balls....

Surrender to dispair once more.....

Get bored with being depressed and just switch over to anger....ANGER AT THAT DAMN FUCKING MACHINE THAT ANNOUNCES MY EVERY FUCKING BREATH LIKE I'M GOD DAMNED DARTH VADER AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO WEAR IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE BUT HOW CAN THAT BE BECAUSE I ALREADY WANT TO SMASH IT RIGHT NOW....

Realize at some point that you can't move, talk and essentially a machine is breathing for you, just like old people in coma's or whatever. Make a note to yourself to tell your family that if yer ever in one of those type of situations, you DO want them to pull the plug. 8 hours of that stuff was enough, you don't need 8 months of that crap, only then to just die anyway....

Once the mask is taken off, note that your skin was so irritated by it that you now have like six pimples around your nose that weren't there beforehand....

Debate whether you should go back to bed or not now that you're home...

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AND THAT, FRIENDS, WAS HOW I SPENT MY SATURDAY NIGHT.... YAY FOR ALL NIGHT SLEEP OVERS AT THE SLEEP DOCTORS(exclamation point).