Thursday, July 07, 2005

Ahhhh, ten new posts in 24 hours

So here's something I wrote the day after Christmas in 2003. Ironically, just a few days ago the Sundance Channel reran the movie I mention in the post, and well, I had basically the same reaction again, but there are some differences now, which I'll go into after the post:

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So just a few hours ago, it struck me how stupid it is that I'm PROUD of the fact that I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder. It's this total point of confidence for me. "Ha ha, neurosis, not PSYCHOSIS".... I don't know if it's just low expectations or bold faced pitiful-ness or what. It's like, "WOOOOOOO, I suck, but not as much as some people say....YAYYY!"

I bet there are still a good number of people out there that would be surprised to find out that I'm not THAT fucked up. "Come on, at LEAST borderline."

What got me thinking in this direction was seeing this movie on the Sundance Channel called "Security, Colorado". It's this DV movie about a
painfully shy hipster chick with big tits. There's even a scene at a house show in it, just like "Everyone Says I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You".

The chick in it was just SOOOO awkward. She was the star and in all of the scenes, but she MAYBE had like two pages worth of dialogue in the whole movie. THAT's how quiet and awkward she was. Fer example, in one part she breaks up with her boyfriend, SORTA. Her end of the conversation is just like, "I just can't talk to you right now.........I.....just.......I don't know......" And the boyfriend was trying to get her to explain it, but she couldn't....

Watching it, at first I was thinking, "I bet there's a specific type of personality disorder that describes you to a tee." but as it went on, I couldn't help but drawl comparisons between myself and the character. I dunno, I didn't see the movie from the beginning, but for most of it, I was just wondering what in the hell she was thinking about. Was there a whole "secret world" of inner thought there that she just wouldn't or couldn't express or not? Although, what I THINK they were leaning towards was that she wasn't thinking about ANYthing, i.e.she was just avoiding all self reflection or conversing about things. She was just this big ball of nervous anxiety, who always seemed on the verge of tears.

She was just so shy... I mean, it was a shakey DV movie, and it basically had the feel of a home video, but SOMEhow, throughout all of that, they still managed to convey this sense of the "painful awkwardness of everyday
life". In the scene at the house show, there's even a part where she just kinda stands there, leaning against the wall, too scared to even talk to anyone.

I really asked myself, "How much of this is me? How much of this is people I know? How much of this is what I USED to be?" 'Cause I mean, from 17 to nearly 20 or so, my interest in other human beings was next to non-existant. I mean, I GUESS I had friends, but for the most part it just seems like I was by myself all the time. I didn't even write AT ALL back then.
I was extremely quiet, barely ever talked to people at shows, and thing is,
I was fine with that. I didn't feel the first twinge of "loneliness" until like right at my 20th birthday. And even then, I didn't really FEEL it, I just consciencly analysed my life and decided to make changes.

I mean, SURE, I get lonely all the time now, but back then, it's kind of astonishing just how "off in my own world" I was. Almost like some form of ultra-watered down autism or something(heh heh) I would've LIKED to be close with someone back then , but it always seemed like there were these huge boundries there that prevented me from ever getting anywhere near them. I'm sure I flirted with several girls, but the thought that one could actually be my girlfriend never really occured to me(wait, isn't that STILL true?). I just so patently accepted the fact that "here was the human race" and "here was me", completely separate from that and I wasn't even upset about it. Fuck, and the weird ass anxieties I had back then, I was nigh on agoraphobic almost....

Although, its hard to remember, maybe I'm just exaggerating things... The predominant thing that pops into my head whenever I look back at old stuff I've written is always, "Wow, I thought I was so different back then, but I was exactly the same." So I dunno...

I took so much shit from people back then and it was a REALLY long time before I ever stood up for myself in those situations. I let myself be annilated so many times by such cruel, heartless assholes. It was insane, they saw someone weak and they pounced. I got my soul torn out enough times that it didn't even hurt anymore.

.........

But anyway, HOW have things changed since then? Well, obviously, I've realized that I am WAY more capable of intimacy than most people, and essentially that's the problem. That's basically the ONLY thing I can do...
That "wall" was there, but basically only because those people weren't capable of intimacy. If anything, intimacy is TOO easy now, fuck, I can make the "magic" happen every single time out of the gate, if I so wish...

Also, there's the point that I am still quite a bit of an outcast amungst "cool" people because well, shit like unreturned phone calls/emails/AIM's, that type of crap just totally annoys the fuck out of me.
Every single time it still feels like a slight. "Cool" people don't care if you return their call or not and they won't return your's either..... I just have trouble with that, I can't do it.... And also, "cool" people avoid their prollems whilst I generally just try and plow right through 'em...

I've realized that I used to give up on people way too easily. Like one little misstep and I'd cut their head off. I don't do that anymore, or at least I try
not to. I dunno, I wanna help out all the kids that are currently where I USED to be, I wanna let 'em know that everyone else isn't some alien creature and it's okay for you to open up to people. There's just so many people scared of getting close to people because "Oh, I might get hurt", but take it from me, it ain't the end of the world if you get hurt and fer serious, it's a necessary part of growing up....

So basically what I'm saying is, throw yourself into a million really intimate relationships and get your heart torn out every time, that's the true path to enlightenment..... heh heh.......

But whatever, this whole ramble should've just been more of my "Hipster Melodrama"..... I've got a lot more of that written and I'll post it up here soon........

PS.ONE more thing, as I've always said, "in a world where everyone has their weaknesses, the only ones that are truly strong are the those that can adMIT to those flaws.".... Strength, in THIS context equals vulnerability.... It's wrong NOT to talk about this type of stuff. THIS IS WHY I don't wanna hear any shit from people like, "Oh, Clint, you seem so upset, poor you, poor you..." NOOOOOO, a person is more disserving of pity if they CAN'T talk about themselves in such open manor... I'm not selling weakness here.... I'm selling a confidence so unwavering that you CAN admit to all your deepest, darkest secrets and have it not be a big deal.... I'm sure a lot of you are going through your own personal hells right now, and yer just covering it all up, pretending to be normal. Pretending to not be in pain, trying to resist all those self destructive urges....

Cover it up, don't talk about it, ignore it and once you get older hopefully you'll forget it ever happened. Sadly, that IS what "normal" is. Normal is being a psycho but PRETENDING not to be...
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So yeah, a year and half later, how are things different? Well, I really DON'T remember that period of intense alienation anymore. Like I was saying earlier, I seem to have blocked out/just plain forgotten a lot of those old, painful memories. I mean, I'm still aloof and stuck in my own head a lot of times, but it's not as bad as it used to be. Also, currently, I'm really not sensitive at all about unreturned calls or whatever. I dunno, I guess I just needed to build up more emotional armor towards that type thing. Also, I don't get lonely at all anymore. Nowadays I'm happy when I get a full, sober evening to myself to write or do whatever. I mean, the vast majority of the time I am more than content just to be by myself. Solitude does not neccessarily equal loneliness. But then again, I guess that's the way I was when I was younger as well. I prolly never really cared THAT MUCH about being lonely, I just got upset about it because well, it just doesn't LOOK GOOD. I was trying to conform to more mainstream standards, I was telling myself that I SHOULD care about such things because a person in my situation SHOULD get lonely a decent amount of the time. Heh heh, currently, the only type of lonelyness that I ever feel is "bed lonelyness", ya know, the feeling that there should be someone sleeping next to you in your bed, someone that you can spoon with...ha ha