Thursday, June 16, 2005

Rules of Hipster Dating...

So welcome to the first installment of the self-indulgent, psuedo-intellectual, controversial, ultra-hateful, quagmirical miasma that is "THE JESUS OF FAILURE". This blog will be the repository for all my barely informed, poorly researched, bullshit social theories; where as my other blog Bulletproof Nothing will be strictly about music shit. Why did I separate the two? Because the music crowd doesn't like the "personal" stuff and the JoF fans don't know what the hell I'm talking about when I write about music. The JoF crowd is broad, the BpN crowd is specific. The BpN crowd are some of the most well researched, indepth rock critic types EVER, where as the JoF crowd contains a significant number of girls.....heh heh

(NOTE:If you are one of those types that gets impatient with my epic diatribes then you should just skip straight to the RULES section of this post. That part is more straight forwardly appealing)

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was at the beach and at the stupid beach record store they had a copy of ye olde Hipster Handbook. I had some extra cash so I bought it, mainly to point out how out of date the book was this point. Anyway, I bring it back with me to "The Big Drunky"(Milwaukee) and the other day I put it out on our coffee table because I knew it'd prolly spark some conversating.

So then, yesterday, an attractive female friend of mine was perusing it and she remarked, "Well, what is the point of this book? Are they just making fun of hipsters?" I replied "Yes, it's supposed to be a damning condemnation of the entire hipster lifestyle." I said this sarcastically, but I actually did mean it(is that a hipster thing to do? Portraying to your actual, genuine thoughts in a sarcastic tone so they aren't so threatening to people?). Apparently, my friend just didn't GET how hipsters, on the whole, are a group of some of the most shallow, insane, souless dipfuckers to ever walk the earth.

"How could she not be aware of this?" I said to myself. "Everyone knows how evil they are." But then something hit me, something important. Said attractive female friend prolly has never FACED the full forced brunt of evil hipster-dom. Why is this? Because she's fucking HOT, that's why. Hipsters are a shallow breed and male or female, gay or straight, they loves them a good looking girl. She doesn't know how bad they are because she's only seen them on their BEST BEHAVIOR.

Me on the other hand, I'm fucking UGLY, a total fat ass. They have nothing to gain by being nice to me, so obviously, they AREN'T. I get shit on by those type of fuckers every single day, whether I'm aware of it or not. My ultra negative view of hipsters is based in all of this. I hate them because they hate me. I'll never be good enough for them until I loose a hundred pounds. Fuck them....

I would portend that the Hipster Handbook is no where near hateful enough, there's tons of stuff that should've been in there that wasn't. Stuff that I will cover right now. So yeah, keep all of my hateful cynicism in mind and read:


(note:this is way sexist in tone, but all of this is equally applicable to hipster GUYS as well. They're just as evil, they just express it in different ways. At the end of this I'll further explain and apologize for all the bullshit you're about to wade through.)

-Never ever use the word "date": Nothing will scare away a hipster girl faster. I encountered this first-hand when I was 19 and I asked this "queen of the scene" type out on a date. Yes, I literally used the word "date". She said to me, and this is a direct quote, "I don't DO dating". Ya see, hipsters like these confusing, vague, complex relationships. They like them because there is absolutely NO chance that they'll ever work out in the long run. They don't like "dates" because it's too direct, too simple, too clear. They want a "real man", someone that actually believes in himself, someone confident, but all their stupid defense mechanisms do is scare away any guy that isn't a total douche-bag.

-Never call more than once a day or twice a week:You wanna call her to hang out and if she doesn't answer that first time, you just leave a message and you DON'T call back again later that day(again, I learned this one the hard way). Or better yet, don't leave a message. In this day and age, she'll have caller ID and she'll have seen that you called. She'll think you're cool because you don't even care enough to leave a message. Hipsters love emotional distance more than anything else. That LITERALLY is what being "cool" is all about. I hate to make a Ben Folds reference, but when it comes to hipsters, they are ALL "fighting the battle of who could care less." If you care less, you win(AKA:You get laid). Anyway, if you leave a message, don't expect her to call back, because she won't. You'll only get a return call if she somehow senses that you couldn't give the slightest fuck about EVER hanging out with her. Anyway, if you bump into her later in that same week she will MAYBE say something like "I got your call." Let her bring that up, you definetly shouldn't.

-Never admit that you're attracted to a girl: If questioned directly about it, state clearly that you do NOT want to fuck them. If you are honest and admit to an attraction an HG will say/think something like "Oh, this changes everything" and from that point on, everything you do will just be interpreted as some type of attempt to get into her pants. What a lot of HG's don't understand is that guys pretty much wanna fuck every girl they're not related to(excluding hot cousins, of course) and it really doesn't mean that much if they are attracted to any specific girl. Also, if you state clearly and directly that you are not attracted to them, it will tweak their low self-esteem and may-haps they'll try and "win you over" and convince you that they are fuckable. Of course, you have to be careful with that ploy as well because it can backfire. Remember, hipsters are evil(especially ones that have been clinically diagnosed bi-polar), and sometimes they'll just try and "win you over" so they can get the upper-hand. As soon as they get you to admit they're hot they will totally lapse into the "this changes everything" bullshit. Just remember that the best line you can ever use on a hipster girl is "Look, you seem cool and all, but I'm just not attracted to you."

-Never try and fuck any girl hipster girl under the age of 20:Hipsters are all crazy, fuckwad, immature dipshits and the younger they are, the worse it gets. They're just fucking intolerable. All these paper thin mind games and childish fuckwit. If you're a 23 year old that has the emotional maturity level of a 17 year old, you SHOULDn't hit on a 17 year old girl you see at a show, because the odds are that SHE has the maturity level of a 13 year old. Your only option is to hit on other severely immature 23 year olds.

-Just be the biggest asshole:This is a sad and cynical comment to make, but it's the truth. In any hipster setting, the guy to girl ratio is always gonna be staggering, and in that competitive, desparate environ, you're only option is to draw as much attention to yourself as possible. The shortcut to being the "alpha-male" is to be obnoxious, really obnoxious, not to mention rude. If yer in a "conversation circle" with an attractive, available girl and two or three other guys, you should always interupt them as much as possible and do your damnest to shove your bullshit flirt-age material down a girl's throat.

-You should always, ALWAYS have at least ten minutes of "flirt-age material" prepared:Don't try and improv and have some "spontaneous, magical moment of connection" with a girl, that's just bullshit fantasy sold to you by big Hollywood movies like Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. You need to have at least five to ten minutes of typical, non-threatening verbiage to spew at girl. Something that clearly expresses how you are different and better than all the other guys. "Different" in a safe, non-threatening way, of course. Stuff about how you don't care about "mainstream" beauty standards for women usually works well. Talk about how you hate fashion but love "America's Next Top Model", ummm, you know, stuff like that. Be a 2nd Gen. metrosexual, don't DRESS "gay", and you never EVER use the word "metrosexual", but your personality should be like that of a gay man; sensitive, understanding, able to form deep emotional bonds with women because you are just as bitchy as they are, that type of crap. Non-threatening and non-sexual, it's your only way to get your foot in the door.

-Impress her with your band/film/writing/art/whatever: Forget about being a "good person" with a "good personality", what you really need to do is take up some pre-approved hipster hobby and get "good" at it. This one is way fucking obvious, but it's still important. Despite what they think, most hipsters are horrible judges of character and it doesn't matter how big of a fuckhole you are or aren't as long as your band got a good review in whatever zine they lends credit to.

-If there's a party at her house get really drunk and pass out in her bed:Don't fake it, really get drunk to the point of passing out and get in her bed. If yer not good looking, the odds are that you will get kicked out to the couch, but if she's drunk enough, she might let it pass. There's a special breed of HG who's just waiting, WAITING for some cute guy to pass out in their bed. They are just as socially and emotionally as inept as you and well, it's a cheap, easy, non-threatening, non-commital, harmless way of spooning with someone. Spooning, or something MORE of course, but you shouldn't expect it, or hope for it. Free yourself of all desire. The only way you'll ever get laid is to not WANT to get laid. Don't PRETEND that you don't wanna get laid, you have to really not want it if you want it..... Wait, I'm confused.....

-You WILL be hurt:Your heart WILL be broken, you WILL be left a sad, crippled wreck. This is the hipster way; pain and fear is what it's all about. If you are one of them it'll happen to you as well. You'll start out some bright eyed, idealistic kid and by the time you're 22, hipster culture will have transformed you into a shallow, petty, self obsessed, passive-aggressive douche-scrote. There's no way around it. If yer gonna be a hipster you just have to kiss your soul goodbye. Happiness, especially LONG-TERM happiness is just not in the game plan.


Ehh, this is all running out of steam. I'm getting fucking tired, I gotta go to bed. I'll write some more bad tips later.

Oh wait, I said there would be more explanation and apology at the end of this, so well, uhhhh... Let's see.. I think an obvious question is: am I(emphasis on "I") a hipster? Do I think that I am better than all the people that I outlined above? Ehhhh, it's hard to say, I'd definetly say that all my actions are motivated by fear and pain, but I basically believe that to be true of every one. See, all that above stuff really paints this portrait of a dark, dark worldview, and the thing is, at one point, maybe I did believe it all. But nowadays I've more rebelled against my misanthropic past and I'm TRYING to pull my way out of it. I dunno, a lot of that "evil soulless coward" stuff is just aesthetics now. It's like a T-shirt or pair of shoes that I slip into whenever I feel the need. Make no mistake, I'd definetly say that I have an asshole side, but it's more than balanced by my "nice guy"(not to over simplify) side. I mean, it could very well be argued that I do have this somewhat self-destructive streak in my personality, but more and more lately I just keep it nailed down and confined to my writing. I DO have this anger but there's no way in hell that I'm gonna take it out on my friends and family, my loved ones. But is that healthy though, surpressing my "evil" side? Ahahahahaha...... I dunno, this is getting too fucking pretentious. There'll be more time for this reflective bullshit later.

NOTE TO ALL THE REFERALS:I've written a shit-ton more on this blog, over 150 pages worth of crap, you should check out the blog proper by CLICKING HERE