Monday, June 20, 2005

Fucking Bizarro-Land

(disclaimer:despite the intro, there ARE more hipster dating tips in this column, just skip down to them... note:I gotta make a post about apologies and disclaimers and why they're awesome)

Wow, so fucking odd, people really liked that last column. It got a positive responce across the board. I'm not used to that type-a thing. I mean, I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not alienating at least a good handful of people with everything I write. Hmmm, how can I reverse this trend? I know, I can write something SERIOUS, that'll drive 'em away.

So with that in mind, lemme get into the meat of this fucker(ouuu, the catch phrase from my old Rip Off column).

Now in that last post of mine I mentioned something about how one should attempt to be a "2nd Gen" something or other. I've been pimping this whole "2nd Gen" theory for a while now. The basic thought behind it is that you should never, ever be a knee-jerk reactionary type. Whatever you believe in, it needs to be well thought out, you have to be aware of all the flaws inherent in your uhhh, system of uhhh belief and uhhhhh, don't be an asshole and try and force your opinions down someone's throat and uhhhh,

You know what; fuck it, this topic sucks, let's just do some more of this hipster dating guide crap:

-Start a fight with her:seriously, just outright pick a fight. You start talking to her at a show and once you get past like maybe the ten minute mark(well, ten to thirty minutes), you just say something jerky to her but you say it in a jokey type way. She will then most likely punch you in the arm or something(because she fancies herself as being "tough"). You respond to this by either flicking her; lightly pushing her; or REALLY lightly punching her back(punching the arm, of course). You should also try and say something clever at this point like, "I don't have to take abuse from the likes of you". See, in hipster circles, we're all such "gender-role rebels", and the guys fight with their words while the gals fight with their hands(or some of them are kickers, but that's really fucking annoying). Anyway, then, the whole thing then escalates from there. Just keep on giving back as a much as you get and within a few minutes you should most likely be rolling around on the floor "wrestling". To initiate this bout, you should say something like, "Oh, you think you're so tough, bring it on. You wanna fight, you wanna rassle?" Needless to say, but you should obviously let her "win" said match. At this point, play things by ear. Both of you will definetly be aroused and it should be just a short hop, skip and jump until SOME type of romantic exchange occurs. Trust me, this shit works, it's how Kurt and Courtney first hooked up, and if it's good enough for the "First Couple of Grunge" then it's good enough for you. I tells ya, I've had so many experiences like this that I even swore off of "playful fighting" with girls a year or so ago(I swore off of it because I was irritated at how it always would fall into the exact, EXACT same pattern.) The key to it is continuing the back and forth, don't give up after she punches you like three times or something. You should let her be the aggresser, let her up the ante, let HER cross the line and do something that goes too far.

-The day after: So you DO actually manage to hook up with a girl, what do you do the next day? First of all, never try and talk to her about where the whole thing might be going, whether there might be a future or even a present to your interaction. Above and beyond all else, never EVER use the word "relationship". Do not try and discuss anything, do not say, "So was this just a one night stand or is there any hope of something more?" See, the thing is, she will be wondering the exact same things and if you just break the tention and outright say those things it will make things too direct, too simple. Remember, hipsters HATE straight-forward, healthy relationships, they want mystery, ambiguity and confusion. Your best hope for future romantic interaction is to try and inspire a reaction out of her like, "Well, DOES he care at all, or was it just meaningless sex?" She will be driven crazy trying to figure it out, analysing all the little clues, trying to put SOMEthing together. Hipster guys obsess about records or guitars or whatever but hipster girls, ALL girls obsess non-stop over relationships.

-The whole "I Love You" thing:Oh god, what a fucking minefield... Alright, so you've been in relationship for like maybe a month now and it's getting to the point where "I Love You's" should definetly be exchanged. Now, it doesn't matter HOW you feel or how long you've felt it, just let her fucking say it first. Some people manage to even drag this out 'til like the six month point, but well, those type of people were prolly born without the part of their brain that deals with such things(i.e.the LEFT side of their brain). Now, some of you might be wondering "Isn't it good for the guy to say 'I love you' first? Hipster girls like sensitive guys and taking the intiative with that type of thing is quite sensi." The thing with that is, HG's only like guys that are "fake sensitive". Ya know, guys that are a counterpoint to their own fake tough-ness. At the end of the day, hipsters girls are pretty much like any other girl, i.e. over-emotional wrecks(with hipster guys being insensitive jerks, of course). She might initially be attracted to that sensitivity, but in the long run she'll just resent you for not being "a real man".

-Be prepared to be cheated on: If you're gonna date a hipster, they WILL cheat on you. If you're lucky, they won't cheat on you within the first week and if yer REALLY fucking fortunite they won't fuck your best friend(or sibling, or roommate) when you're out of town. When the unavoidable infidelity occurs you have only one choice:You become "just friends" who "only do it every once in a while when we're really drunk but it doesn't mean anything and even though we're not a couple anymore we still hang out with each other all the time". What can I say, it's the hipster way.

...

Anyway, I think that's enough of a post for tonight. I'll be back again in a few days with some more shit, and maybe some more reprints of old stuff as well...